November was rough to me this year.
It started out simple enough, like every other month. I would work and then drive out to the barn to visit Nawlers. A few days into November I got bashed in the head by one of my students and got to spend a day at the hospital for a concussion. Fun.
My job is oh so fun, but that's a whole other blog....
Then the Holistc Vet came out the first weekend, and that started the whole downhill slide. The following weekend I recieved 8-9 kicks by Denali, and wound up in the ER for a whole day. That week was horrible, I honestly have never experienced pain like that. I am finally starting to feel a little bit better. The following weekend we determined that that Denali wasn't getting better and that we were going to put her down. The final weekend it snowed, and Denali was saved. Somewhere between getting kicked by Denali and now I lost my camera. :( It wasn't cheap, and I can't replace it. Boo, show up camera!! Please? I can't keep taking pictures of Denali on my phone.
So, November I don't hate you, you taught me a lot but if you could put in a good word for me with December that would be great!
Thanks.
Showing posts with label Saying Good-Bye. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Saying Good-Bye. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Now What?
So a few days before Denali was suppose to be put down I cancelled her Smartpak. I cancelled everything that involved her. EVERYTHING. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with it, so I decided to be pro-active.
Ugh.
I'm glad, don't get me wrong. I'm really glad.
Here's my question: Do I keep her on supplements? I'm nervous about buying them in buckets, so I'd probably stick with the Smartpak since I can just donate those if something happens to her. I don't want to have 56 days of supplements on my hands.
Denali's SmartPak was as follows:
TractGard 1 scoop(s)
BioFlax 20 1 scoop(s)
SmartCalm Ultra Pellets 1 scoop(s)
Absorbine Flex + Max 1 scoop(s)
Vitamin E 1 scoop(s)
With her Nero Disease (or whatever it is) I still feel strongly about having her on a high source of Vitamin E, but Pia's Mom introduced me to a different source of Vitamin E that's liquid and I'm going to use that instead.
I don't know what to put her on. I want to help her joints and connective tissue.
Ideas?? Anyone??
As for Ms. Denali I won't see her or hear about her until at least Wednesday. That's the one thing I don't like. At her old barn I could text her or call the barn manager anytime day or night and she could walk out to Denali if I had a specific question.
I have the Vet's personal phone number, but I don't want to bother her right now. We'll be going back to Pennsylvania at the end of December and I'll save my anal texts until then. It's also twice as far to Denali's "new" barn. It's 44 miles one way. The amount of money that we're "saving" is worth it. The peace of mind that Denali is already at the Vet's barn is worth it. Downside there isn't anyone there all the time like at our "old" barn, so I do worry that she'll fall or get hurt and no one will find her until morning or the night time. I guess I need to stop worrying. Easier said than done, after coming SO CLOSE (4 inches of snow to be exact) to losing her, and then getting to keep her has still wracked my nerves. It is one of the greatest gifts I've received.
One more question. Have any of you ever heard of this?? It was suggested on an EPM list serve (I'm still going with the EPM diagnosis until we figure something else out.)
Ugh.
I'm glad, don't get me wrong. I'm really glad.
Here's my question: Do I keep her on supplements? I'm nervous about buying them in buckets, so I'd probably stick with the Smartpak since I can just donate those if something happens to her. I don't want to have 56 days of supplements on my hands.
Denali's SmartPak was as follows:
TractGard 1 scoop(s)
BioFlax 20 1 scoop(s)
SmartCalm Ultra Pellets 1 scoop(s)
Absorbine Flex + Max 1 scoop(s)
Vitamin E 1 scoop(s)
With her Nero Disease (or whatever it is) I still feel strongly about having her on a high source of Vitamin E, but Pia's Mom introduced me to a different source of Vitamin E that's liquid and I'm going to use that instead.
I don't know what to put her on. I want to help her joints and connective tissue.
Ideas?? Anyone??
As for Ms. Denali I won't see her or hear about her until at least Wednesday. That's the one thing I don't like. At her old barn I could text her or call the barn manager anytime day or night and she could walk out to Denali if I had a specific question.
I have the Vet's personal phone number, but I don't want to bother her right now. We'll be going back to Pennsylvania at the end of December and I'll save my anal texts until then. It's also twice as far to Denali's "new" barn. It's 44 miles one way. The amount of money that we're "saving" is worth it. The peace of mind that Denali is already at the Vet's barn is worth it. Downside there isn't anyone there all the time like at our "old" barn, so I do worry that she'll fall or get hurt and no one will find her until morning or the night time. I guess I need to stop worrying. Easier said than done, after coming SO CLOSE (4 inches of snow to be exact) to losing her, and then getting to keep her has still wracked my nerves. It is one of the greatest gifts I've received.
One more question. Have any of you ever heard of this?? It was suggested on an EPM list serve (I'm still going with the EPM diagnosis until we figure something else out.)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
What Now?
We are still at a loss as to what is going on. We've cancelled the truck for the time being (yay.)
Our options are as follows.
1- to say no more diagnostics, let’s just see how she does,
2- try Marquis (or one of the other treatment medications) for a few months and see how she does,
3- do a myelogram, EPM titers, ultrasound the left hind leg, specialist referral, etc, as needed to continue working up her case and try to find a diagnosis and pursue treatment once a diagnosis is found.
Options 2 and 3 are going to require $$$ and at this point we're over $7,000 in vet treatments alone. Hell, #3 alone is going to cost at least $5,000.
It's just a matter of balancing what we can afford, with what is best for Denali. After emptying your bank account twice, it gets frustrating, but a happy frustration. To think, I was going to cut her tail off on Thursday night because I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it on Friday. She'd be SO mad at me right now if I would have done that.
I still can't get over the fact that if it hadn't snowed, she'd be gone. Still taking it a day at a time. Maybe I should change the name of this blog to "As Denali's World Turns." She provides enough drama to have her own TV show.
Our options are as follows.
1- to say no more diagnostics, let’s just see how she does,
2- try Marquis (or one of the other treatment medications) for a few months and see how she does,
3- do a myelogram, EPM titers, ultrasound the left hind leg, specialist referral, etc, as needed to continue working up her case and try to find a diagnosis and pursue treatment once a diagnosis is found.
Options 2 and 3 are going to require $$$ and at this point we're over $7,000 in vet treatments alone. Hell, #3 alone is going to cost at least $5,000.
It's just a matter of balancing what we can afford, with what is best for Denali. After emptying your bank account twice, it gets frustrating, but a happy frustration. To think, I was going to cut her tail off on Thursday night because I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it on Friday. She'd be SO mad at me right now if I would have done that.
I still can't get over the fact that if it hadn't snowed, she'd be gone. Still taking it a day at a time. Maybe I should change the name of this blog to "As Denali's World Turns." She provides enough drama to have her own TV show.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Roller Coaster
There's Denali this morning, after the vet called us out. She's a sweaty, sweaty mess, and totally dirty because she kept running, then rolling, and then running. Fine by me.To say that my husband and I have not been on a roller coaster ride of emotions would be a HUGE lie. We're still confused, very confused. We haven't talked to the vet since we saw her this morning so we don't know how Denali looked once she calmed down and stopped running around. The vet said we'll know more once Denali's adrenaline is out of her system, but today she looked good.
The past three weeks have been horrible. A horrible ride with both Denali and I coming so close to death. I'm still shocked that I didn't break anything when she trampled me. What would have happened if the truck wouldn't have cancelled??? We were not going to let her out to run around because we didn't want her to get hurt.
We still don't know what is going to happen, and I will feel better once we hear from the vet again. We have the truck "on hold" for now. I am getting sick just thinking of the vet bills. Unbelievable stress overall, and hopefully it will be worth it with some definitive answers.
Confused
Confused is the best way to put it.
I don't even know how to explain this.
The vet called us this morning at 8:30 and asked if we could come out and talk to her. When we got there Denali was in the arena running around doing flying lead changes.
She is sound.
She didn't fall.
We are all confused. Very confused. The vet doesn't have explaination, we were crying because if the truck hadn't cancelled we would have just put her down.
That's still not off the table, but I did call our old barn and asked her to hold Denali's stall JUST in case.
I feel so bad for dragging you through this. I feel horrible and sick. We are going to check her on Sunday to see how she is doing and re-evaluate. Today she is turned out, and it's probably the adrenaline, but Denali looked good.
I understand if you hate me. I do.
Maybe we got a miracle? Maybe we're getting a few more days? I don't know, but we are all confused, very confused.
I don't even know how to explain this.
The vet called us this morning at 8:30 and asked if we could come out and talk to her. When we got there Denali was in the arena running around doing flying lead changes.
She is sound.
She didn't fall.
We are all confused. Very confused. The vet doesn't have explaination, we were crying because if the truck hadn't cancelled we would have just put her down.
That's still not off the table, but I did call our old barn and asked her to hold Denali's stall JUST in case.
I feel so bad for dragging you through this. I feel horrible and sick. We are going to check her on Sunday to see how she is doing and re-evaluate. Today she is turned out, and it's probably the adrenaline, but Denali looked good.
I understand if you hate me. I do.
Maybe we got a miracle? Maybe we're getting a few more days? I don't know, but we are all confused, very confused.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Cancelled Truck
Truck cancelled, so now we have to wait again. They have 4 inches of snow. Not sure how much longer I can handle this. I just want to bring her home and forget this whole thing even happened. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
Happy Thanksgiving
(picture from last summer, if I remember correctly she was lame, and I was sad, so this picture works)Waking up today was hard. It was hard to get out of bed. Getting out of bed meant that it was indeed a new day and one day closer.I had a horrible, horrible dream last night. I am sure that bad dreams are normal, it was so obviously not real, but I couldn't help myself. My brother (who keep in mind is a pharmacist) was putting her down, but only gave her ACE, Denali woke up and got scared and ran away and then we couldn't find her. Someone did find her and put her down before I got there. I hate bad dreams. It's hard to believe that it's tomorrow (well, if the weather holds out) and if it can't be tomorrow, I just don't know.
My heart hurts, it actually aches which I didn't realize was even possible. Even with the approaching loss of Denali I am still thankful. I have to be. - I am thankful for the 2 years, 4 months, 2 weeks and 5 days I have had Denali in my life.
- I am thankful for all that she has taught me and the love she showed me.
- I am thankful that on that July day 2 years ago, I was at that auction, bought that pretty bay filly and gave her the life she might not have had.
- I am thankful for my husband and the joy he brings to my life, even in my darkest days.
- I am thankful for my family and their health and compassion.
- I am thankful for the roof over my head, and that even in this economy I have a job (although there are the days I just want to walk away.)
- I am thankful for my readers and the help you have given me through this journey.
Happy Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Warm Mash on a Cold Day
My husband.
My poor husband. I know I'm driving him crazy. For a week I was unable to get out of bed and make it to the couch because I was physically unable to do to my bruised kidney/ribs/everywhere.
For the past week he has had to remind me to eat something, shower, etc. He's offered to go for walks, he's made all the preparations for Friday on his own. This morning I heard him outside on the phone with the vet, he wanted to make sure that everything was set for Friday and that we would be able to be out of there before the truck comes. He's called the truck and re-confirmed pick up time. He's done everything and for that I love him even more.
The roads are a little better in the Seattle area today. School was still cancelled, but my husband offered to drive me out to see Denali since we haven't been out since Sunday. He boiled water and put it in the thermos and we were off. We grabbed our mail. Denali's new dressage boots are here. Great....her smarktpak will be here next week. I cancelled it too late.
I explained to my husband that I wanted to give Denali a warm bran mash, but didn't want to stop at the barn before we went out to the Vet's barn. I didn't want to see anyone. He offered to stop at the tack store to pick up some bran mash, and even offered to go get it for me. (This from a man who is not a horse person, remember he's a huggle -like a muggle, non-horsey person.) I told him I'd be fine and I wanted to go into the store and pick it out for her.
I did fine.
And then I turned around and saw the Cherry Lik-its.
I lost it. I went from fine to bawling uncontrollably in .2 seconds. I just walked out in the middle of checking out. I left my credit card, my mash, and my husband. Luckily my hubby explained to the nice woman why I was acting like a crazy woman.
We continued the 30 minutes to the vets barn (it's a little over an hour from our house.) It was so quiet and so peaceful we were the only ones there. I started walking in the barn, and yelled out Denali's name before I could even see her. Right on que she started nickering like crazy.
I'm going to really miss that. She has the best nicker I've ever heard.
We fed her some treats, she still doesn't like sugar cubes! I went about making her a warm bran mash, which she was VERY excited about. She licked the entire container clean. Not a spot anywhere.
I went to give her a big hug, and it bothered her. Her neck must be sore because I wrapped my arms around her and she didn't seem to like it. She usually will let me bury my head into he neck and stand there for as long as I want. Her neck was sore when the vet checked it out a few weeks ago too, I don't know what EPM does to the neck, or why it would hurt. I didn't even think about giving her bute. How bad is that? I feel really guilty about not giving her bute. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll remember to bring out some bute.
My husband and I picked up most of her stuff because I know that Friday, Friday I won't be able to do anything.
We gave her some more love, lots of treats and left.
Her hind legs look wonky, swollen in weird spots and weak. I think that weak would be the best way to describe it. My husband and I talked about it and we might not let her run around. I don't think she'll make it 2 steps without falling. Who knows, I'm just going to listen to my heart the crack of dawn on Friday.
We stopped by my barn on the way home because while driving I developed this overwhelming desire to have my things at home. I honestly don't know where it's going to go. I don't think I can part with any of it. Not now. Not the things she used. My trainer was about to give a lesson to one of the little girls who leases. I couldn't form sentences to talk to anyone. I talked to the horses. I took my tack locker and Denali's buckets. I took her red treat ball that she loves more than anything. I loved watching her play with it.
Sigh.
I'm not even through with this process, but I already have advice if you ever need to lose your best friend. Don't wait a week between deciding and going through with it if you don't have to.
*edit* The weather might take a turn for the worst, again. That would mean that letting Denali go might need to be postponed. If that happens....I don't know if I can stay strong much longer.
My poor husband. I know I'm driving him crazy. For a week I was unable to get out of bed and make it to the couch because I was physically unable to do to my bruised kidney/ribs/everywhere.
For the past week he has had to remind me to eat something, shower, etc. He's offered to go for walks, he's made all the preparations for Friday on his own. This morning I heard him outside on the phone with the vet, he wanted to make sure that everything was set for Friday and that we would be able to be out of there before the truck comes. He's called the truck and re-confirmed pick up time. He's done everything and for that I love him even more.
The roads are a little better in the Seattle area today. School was still cancelled, but my husband offered to drive me out to see Denali since we haven't been out since Sunday. He boiled water and put it in the thermos and we were off. We grabbed our mail. Denali's new dressage boots are here. Great....her smarktpak will be here next week. I cancelled it too late.
I explained to my husband that I wanted to give Denali a warm bran mash, but didn't want to stop at the barn before we went out to the Vet's barn. I didn't want to see anyone. He offered to stop at the tack store to pick up some bran mash, and even offered to go get it for me. (This from a man who is not a horse person, remember he's a huggle -like a muggle, non-horsey person.) I told him I'd be fine and I wanted to go into the store and pick it out for her.
I did fine.
And then I turned around and saw the Cherry Lik-its.
I lost it. I went from fine to bawling uncontrollably in .2 seconds. I just walked out in the middle of checking out. I left my credit card, my mash, and my husband. Luckily my hubby explained to the nice woman why I was acting like a crazy woman.
We continued the 30 minutes to the vets barn (it's a little over an hour from our house.) It was so quiet and so peaceful we were the only ones there. I started walking in the barn, and yelled out Denali's name before I could even see her. Right on que she started nickering like crazy.
I'm going to really miss that. She has the best nicker I've ever heard.
We fed her some treats, she still doesn't like sugar cubes! I went about making her a warm bran mash, which she was VERY excited about. She licked the entire container clean. Not a spot anywhere.
I went to give her a big hug, and it bothered her. Her neck must be sore because I wrapped my arms around her and she didn't seem to like it. She usually will let me bury my head into he neck and stand there for as long as I want. Her neck was sore when the vet checked it out a few weeks ago too, I don't know what EPM does to the neck, or why it would hurt. I didn't even think about giving her bute. How bad is that? I feel really guilty about not giving her bute. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll remember to bring out some bute.
My husband and I picked up most of her stuff because I know that Friday, Friday I won't be able to do anything.
We gave her some more love, lots of treats and left.
Her hind legs look wonky, swollen in weird spots and weak. I think that weak would be the best way to describe it. My husband and I talked about it and we might not let her run around. I don't think she'll make it 2 steps without falling. Who knows, I'm just going to listen to my heart the crack of dawn on Friday.
We stopped by my barn on the way home because while driving I developed this overwhelming desire to have my things at home. I honestly don't know where it's going to go. I don't think I can part with any of it. Not now. Not the things she used. My trainer was about to give a lesson to one of the little girls who leases. I couldn't form sentences to talk to anyone. I talked to the horses. I took my tack locker and Denali's buckets. I took her red treat ball that she loves more than anything. I loved watching her play with it.
Sigh.
I'm not even through with this process, but I already have advice if you ever need to lose your best friend. Don't wait a week between deciding and going through with it if you don't have to.
*edit* The weather might take a turn for the worst, again. That would mean that letting Denali go might need to be postponed. If that happens....I don't know if I can stay strong much longer.
Love
After everything that Denali and I have been through, all the ups and downs (and even deeper downs) she taught me to respect horses. I learned that you can't just jump on any horse and make it go. You need to form a partnership, and have a mutual respect for one another. I always knew this, but with Denali it was just so important.
I have hoped on school masters and they did anything I asked. With Denali it was harder, more work, and more rewarding. I went from being utterly terrified of her and other horses to gaining confidence in myself and my ability to ride.
In two and a half years I wasn't able to ride her as much as I would have liked. Her issues, and my issues kept us in different schedules. I had her in training when I was hurt, and watched her develop into one of the prettiest horses I've seen under saddle. I would daydream about our first show together, and I don't doubt that we will do that, it just won't be on this Earth. Plus, I hope that by the time I get to heaven, I'm a better rider.
In my times of fear I had a lot of people riding her. I have to say that one of the proudest pictures I have is the one above. It was our last ride together, the last time she was ridden. I can proudly say that I was the last person to ride my baby.
Denali made me into a horse person and for that I will forever be grateful to her.
Two more days. I'm starting to feel ill.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Dear Readers
Dear Readers,
You are my rainbow in this storm, my warm blanket on a cold night, you are what keeps me going when all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and die right alongside Denali. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but your kind, kind words of support. Your dedications to her on your blogs, the fact that I can feel your love and support from wherever you are is what is helping to keep me going.
I don't know what else to say, simply put: thank you. You are my hero's. You are my friends. Thank you for loving my horse right along with me. Thank you for your words of encouragement when things got tough, when I got scared. You helped me to get back in the saddle. Thank you for your words of encouragement when I went to my first horse show. And when I had to make the hardest decision I've ever had to make, thank you for showing me your kindness, love and support. You helped me to become the rider I am today, and now in the darkest days of my life, you are what helps me going.
For that I am eternally grateful. I wish there was something I could do to show you how much I appreciate all you've done for me, for what you've done for us.
Much Love,
Denali's Mom
Denali's Mom
Sigh...
So, I decided to do some more reading on EPM since I am just so confused about Denali's quick decline. I found this (someone posted the link, and I decided to read it.) It talks about vaccinating a horse with EPM and how you shouldn't do it because it can cause it can cause an increase of symptoms.
I didn't know she was sick.
She got her fall shots in October.
My life started to fall apart shortly after her shots.
The decline since her shots in October has been remarkable. Unbelievable. I wonder if I was a neglectful owner if she would still be okay. ROAR!! (Friends are visiting me, and I'm currently being a horrible host because I can't stop thinking about Denali, so in addition to ignoring them I'm blogging about ignoring them.)
I didn't know she was sick.
She got her fall shots in October.
My life started to fall apart shortly after her shots.
The decline since her shots in October has been remarkable. Unbelievable. I wonder if I was a neglectful owner if she would still be okay. ROAR!! (Friends are visiting me, and I'm currently being a horrible host because I can't stop thinking about Denali, so in addition to ignoring them I'm blogging about ignoring them.)
Dreams and the Vet
I keep trying to dream about Denali. No dream, instead I woke up anxious and nervous and slightly sick to my stomach. I woke up today trying to figure out if this is the right thing to do. I decided that I needed to let Denali's regular vet know. I have been waiting to do it because I really like her and I know that calling her would just result in me bawling.
So I did it the chicken's way. I sent her a text message. About ten minutes later she called. I love Denali's vet, I do. She is so nice and understanding. Of course we both ended up bawling on the phone (she loves Denali too, who doesn't.) She had called the vet who is treating Denali and talked to her before she called me. She made me feel better about our decision. Not easy, but fair to her. We talked about the progression of her symptoms. I questioned if it could be something else other than EPM. Denali seemed fine in September, a few stumbles, up to November when she totally lost it and ended up in the dirt. Sweet girl tried so hard for me when trotting. I would yell at her to pick up her feet when she'd trip. I thought she was being a klutz. I didn't recognize that something was seriously wrong.
I love you mare!!
So I did it the chicken's way. I sent her a text message. About ten minutes later she called. I love Denali's vet, I do. She is so nice and understanding. Of course we both ended up bawling on the phone (she loves Denali too, who doesn't.) She had called the vet who is treating Denali and talked to her before she called me. She made me feel better about our decision. Not easy, but fair to her. We talked about the progression of her symptoms. I questioned if it could be something else other than EPM. Denali seemed fine in September, a few stumbles, up to November when she totally lost it and ended up in the dirt. Sweet girl tried so hard for me when trotting. I would yell at her to pick up her feet when she'd trip. I thought she was being a klutz. I didn't recognize that something was seriously wrong.
I love you mare!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Just A Horse
From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a horse," or, "that's a lot of money for just a horse".
They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a horse." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a horse".
Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a horse," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a horse", and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a horse" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you too, think its "just a horse", then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend", "just a sunrise", or "just a promise".
"Just a horse" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a horse" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a horse" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly into the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a horse" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a horse" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a horse" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a woman".
~Anonymous
Denali's mom back in... sorry for all my random posts. I haven't told many of my friends that I'm putting Denali down. I need a place to ramble, and why not... I decided to keep it to myself for multiple reasons. I don't want people to give me their opinions. I don't want to be told I'm a horrible person, that I should try this or try that, or people to tell me that it's "just a horse." Denali is not just a horse. She is my life, my love. She keeps my sanity in check. When the whole world is against me, I have her. I will make an announcement after. There will never be another one like her.
She asked me to save her on that hot July day at the auction. I still wish there was a way for me to save her on this cold November evening. I THINK I'm at peace with this decision, but it's still so F@cking hard and feels so unfair. When I got Denali I was battling depression, it was a fierce battle, and at times I felt I was loosing. Denali changed that, without a doubt I can say that she saved me from myself. She gave me a reason to live (in addition to my husband.) When the world was against me, if I had the worst day, I could go to the barn and all the pain would fade away. If I tried calling my friends, and no one would answer, I knew that she'd be waiting for me at the gate.
I came across a website tonight. It has really good resources for someone going through the grieving process. I thought I'd post it here in case anyone who reads this needs support someday.
We dropped Denali off at the vet a little over a week ago. I noticed that I had marked on our calendar for November 27, "Denali comes Home :) :) :)" I crossed it off, and tried to not think of it, but I can't wait for November to be over so that I can tear the November page off the calendar and forget it ever happened. I never imagined that Denali wouldn't come home from the vet. It never crossed my mind.
Enough rambling. I know I have videos of Denali posted on this blog. Instead of rambling I'm going to attempt to go find them...
They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a horse." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a horse".
Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a horse," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a horse", and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a horse" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you too, think its "just a horse", then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend", "just a sunrise", or "just a promise".
"Just a horse" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a horse" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a horse" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly into the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a horse" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a horse" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a horse" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a woman".
~Anonymous
Denali's mom back in... sorry for all my random posts. I haven't told many of my friends that I'm putting Denali down. I need a place to ramble, and why not... I decided to keep it to myself for multiple reasons. I don't want people to give me their opinions. I don't want to be told I'm a horrible person, that I should try this or try that, or people to tell me that it's "just a horse." Denali is not just a horse. She is my life, my love. She keeps my sanity in check. When the whole world is against me, I have her. I will make an announcement after. There will never be another one like her.
She asked me to save her on that hot July day at the auction. I still wish there was a way for me to save her on this cold November evening. I THINK I'm at peace with this decision, but it's still so F@cking hard and feels so unfair. When I got Denali I was battling depression, it was a fierce battle, and at times I felt I was loosing. Denali changed that, without a doubt I can say that she saved me from myself. She gave me a reason to live (in addition to my husband.) When the world was against me, if I had the worst day, I could go to the barn and all the pain would fade away. If I tried calling my friends, and no one would answer, I knew that she'd be waiting for me at the gate.
I came across a website tonight. It has really good resources for someone going through the grieving process. I thought I'd post it here in case anyone who reads this needs support someday.
We dropped Denali off at the vet a little over a week ago. I noticed that I had marked on our calendar for November 27, "Denali comes Home :) :) :)" I crossed it off, and tried to not think of it, but I can't wait for November to be over so that I can tear the November page off the calendar and forget it ever happened. I never imagined that Denali wouldn't come home from the vet. It never crossed my mind.
Enough rambling. I know I have videos of Denali posted on this blog. Instead of rambling I'm going to attempt to go find them...
Final Plans
We made the final plans today. We are going to set Ms. Denali free this Friday. It's so weird to have a day, and to know after that day I won't have a horse. It is snowing like crazy in Seattle, so I didn't get out to the barn. The vet called and said Denali was happily eating all bundled up warm. I'm so glad. I am actually grateful for the extra days, it was suppose to be tomorrow. The snow is actually very peaceful. It happens so rarely in Seattle, and so it makes it special.
I have a really stupid question. Is it wrong for me to take all of her tail? Do I do it before or after? Suggestions from those of you who have gone through this.
I was at work today when I got a whiff of Denali. I had on my scarf that I wore yesterday, and it brought me a huge smile, and then lots of tears. I actually am pretty proud that I only cried a few times today.
I also wanted to say thank you, all of your kind words and suggestions. They really do help a lot. I just keep telling myself that we are doing this while it's hard on us, and not on her. I'm hoping that Friday we can let her run around for the first time in 8 months. I can't belive it's been 8 months since this downward journey started. I'm afraid she'll fall, but I just want her to be able to be a horse one more time. I don't know what to do.
I have a really stupid question. Is it wrong for me to take all of her tail? Do I do it before or after? Suggestions from those of you who have gone through this.
I was at work today when I got a whiff of Denali. I had on my scarf that I wore yesterday, and it brought me a huge smile, and then lots of tears. I actually am pretty proud that I only cried a few times today.
I also wanted to say thank you, all of your kind words and suggestions. They really do help a lot. I just keep telling myself that we are doing this while it's hard on us, and not on her. I'm hoping that Friday we can let her run around for the first time in 8 months. I can't belive it's been 8 months since this downward journey started. I'm afraid she'll fall, but I just want her to be able to be a horse one more time. I don't know what to do.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Photos from the Perfect Day
Momma and baby walking around the property. The snow really did make today so special. It was just us and Denali. It was quiet, calm and beautiful.
I love this photo. She loves him so much, she always has loved him. You can see it in her eye.
Such a beautiful girl. Once she figured out that there was grass under the snow, that was a different story. I had to show her. ;0) I wish I had a good photo of the two of us together. She keeps pinning her ears, lol. Not at me, but just not very good photos. Ophie's Mom took some amazing photos of Denali and I this summer, and I will forever cherish those!
Perfect Day
It snowed today.
Just enough for the trees to be beautiful, but for people in Seattle to not lose their heads and still be able to drive.
It was beautiful.
My loving, amazing husband took the day off from doing school work to spend the day with me. He let me sleep in and we missed church. I was upset when I got up because I wanted to go talk to the big guy about taking care of one bay thoroughbred mare. The hubby reminded me that I can talk to him whenever I want. I have been talking to him a lot lately, lots of "why's" and "why are you punishing her for my misdeeds."
I'm sure there is a reason, there has to be a reason, that Denali is leaving this world. Yes, part of it is my decision, but this decision wouldn't need to be made if she were healthy, and able to be a horse. I'm hoping that someone in heaven wanted the most beautiful horse in the world, and we all know that in addition to beauty, she sure is funny. I just hope there is a reason.
Ms. Denali has taught me more in 2 years than I could have asked from any horse. She was the result of 22 years of hoping and praying for a horse. We won't be getting another horse. Not for a while. My husband and I have emptied our bank account twice to try and save Denali, so for once we are going to actually have some money. At least I hope so. I know that there is another horse out there for me. Someone once told me that when a horse leaves you, it's because there is another one who needs you more. Something like that.
I could keep rambling. I won't.
Went out to see Denali. She was so adorable, and of course, as soon as she heard my voice started nickering, and I started crying. I ACE'd her so she would be safe. We groomed her up, and took her out to see the snow. It was the perfect day. We took some nice pictures of her, I will post them when I can. She was a camera hog and kept stopping to pose for pictures.
So adorable.
We took her back into her stall. She got jealous of the horse next to her and tried to kick the wall. Denali! Seriously, you don't need to make things worse.
Trying to finalize things on the weekend is difficult. Thinking about what it will be like is harder. I did a lot better than yesterday. Much less crying!!
It's suppose to snow again tomorrow. I hope!
Thanks again for your comments and support. I really, really appreciate it.
Just enough for the trees to be beautiful, but for people in Seattle to not lose their heads and still be able to drive.
It was beautiful.
My loving, amazing husband took the day off from doing school work to spend the day with me. He let me sleep in and we missed church. I was upset when I got up because I wanted to go talk to the big guy about taking care of one bay thoroughbred mare. The hubby reminded me that I can talk to him whenever I want. I have been talking to him a lot lately, lots of "why's" and "why are you punishing her for my misdeeds."
I'm sure there is a reason, there has to be a reason, that Denali is leaving this world. Yes, part of it is my decision, but this decision wouldn't need to be made if she were healthy, and able to be a horse. I'm hoping that someone in heaven wanted the most beautiful horse in the world, and we all know that in addition to beauty, she sure is funny. I just hope there is a reason.
Ms. Denali has taught me more in 2 years than I could have asked from any horse. She was the result of 22 years of hoping and praying for a horse. We won't be getting another horse. Not for a while. My husband and I have emptied our bank account twice to try and save Denali, so for once we are going to actually have some money. At least I hope so. I know that there is another horse out there for me. Someone once told me that when a horse leaves you, it's because there is another one who needs you more. Something like that.
I could keep rambling. I won't.
Went out to see Denali. She was so adorable, and of course, as soon as she heard my voice started nickering, and I started crying. I ACE'd her so she would be safe. We groomed her up, and took her out to see the snow. It was the perfect day. We took some nice pictures of her, I will post them when I can. She was a camera hog and kept stopping to pose for pictures.
So adorable.
We took her back into her stall. She got jealous of the horse next to her and tried to kick the wall. Denali! Seriously, you don't need to make things worse.
Trying to finalize things on the weekend is difficult. Thinking about what it will be like is harder. I did a lot better than yesterday. Much less crying!!
It's suppose to snow again tomorrow. I hope!
Thanks again for your comments and support. I really, really appreciate it.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Cute Factor
I thought I'd try to not make this blog totally depressing towards its end. I ordered this pre-Denali isn't going to make it. It came in the mail today along with the mini-Ophie and after bawling for 20 minutes, I have to say it's pretty much the cutest thing ever. They are being made for a Thoroughbred Rescue in the Seattle Area, and if you send in a photo they will make your horse for you. Seriously, some of the ones who have chrome and blazes are impressive.
The ponies were $12.00 and 1/2 of the proceeds go towards the rescue. If you're interested e-mail tinyplanetfarm@gmail.com tell her that Denali sent you ;0)
Hardest Part
This has to be the worst week in my entire life.
Entire.
I thought I would enjoy the time spent with her, loving on her, grooming her. I do, don't get me wrong, but it also breaks my heart knowing what is coming. I can't stop crying, and I haven't told a lot of people. I can't listen to their opinions. Now that's a trot left this quote, and I need to keep reminding myself, "Better when it's hard for us than hard for them." That has helped me a lot (I already am crying all the time so I am saving the video for later.) It still breaks my heart that she is so happy right now. She can't move without almost falling over, but she's happy doing it.
My husband and I talked again about the "what if's" but it keeps coming back to the only way she would be safe is if she is in her stall all the time. I can't do that to her. I love her way to much to do that to her.
I went and bought her one of each type of apple to see if she has a preference. Nope, she loved them all (well at least the ones I fed her. I didn't want her to cholic and suffer.)
Tonight was a friend's surprise party, so a few weeks ago her husband asked me to keep her busy. So, being a good person, aside from the massive brusing, and internal heartbreak, I kept up with my promise. She is from up north, so I took her to the tack shop that is farther south.
Like an idiot, I picked up the expensive snacks I never bought for Denali (because I can make them myself for 1/4 the price) and while checking them out I burst into tears and stood there in my too tight yoga pants, and slightly shrunken hoodie bawling. I didn't even explain, I just walked out and waited for my friend. Poor girl. I hope she had a good party. I couldn't go and be a party pooper.
I love you Nawlers.
I asked my husband to finalize the plans. I can't do it and I know I will keep putting it off.
Entire.
I thought I would enjoy the time spent with her, loving on her, grooming her. I do, don't get me wrong, but it also breaks my heart knowing what is coming. I can't stop crying, and I haven't told a lot of people. I can't listen to their opinions. Now that's a trot left this quote, and I need to keep reminding myself, "Better when it's hard for us than hard for them." That has helped me a lot (I already am crying all the time so I am saving the video for later.) It still breaks my heart that she is so happy right now. She can't move without almost falling over, but she's happy doing it.
My husband and I talked again about the "what if's" but it keeps coming back to the only way she would be safe is if she is in her stall all the time. I can't do that to her. I love her way to much to do that to her.
I went and bought her one of each type of apple to see if she has a preference. Nope, she loved them all (well at least the ones I fed her. I didn't want her to cholic and suffer.)
Tonight was a friend's surprise party, so a few weeks ago her husband asked me to keep her busy. So, being a good person, aside from the massive brusing, and internal heartbreak, I kept up with my promise. She is from up north, so I took her to the tack shop that is farther south.
Like an idiot, I picked up the expensive snacks I never bought for Denali (because I can make them myself for 1/4 the price) and while checking them out I burst into tears and stood there in my too tight yoga pants, and slightly shrunken hoodie bawling. I didn't even explain, I just walked out and waited for my friend. Poor girl. I hope she had a good party. I couldn't go and be a party pooper.
I love you Nawlers.
I asked my husband to finalize the plans. I can't do it and I know I will keep putting it off.
Broken Heart
It is with a heavy heart that I write this.
After much debate, and "what ifs," we have decided to let Denali go.
We sat down with the vet last night for and talked about options for a long time. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have have had to do. She isn't going to get better, and I finally understand that.
It is not fair to her to bubblewrap her, and put her in a stall for the rest of her life because her suspensory failed her, and the EPM took her ability to balance. The vet said there is a very slight chance that after treating her for EPM, and 6-12 months of stall rest that she could be turned out again, but that her hind legs fail her again. If it was just one thing wrong, and not 3, we would have had a better chance. This is the second vet to tell me this.
We don't have a date scheduled, but before December. This is when I wished that I owned property so she could have a proper burial, but no, I need to scheduled the truck to come pick her up, and I think that is what breaks my heart the most. She deserves better than a truck.
She is my baby, and I love her more than anything. I just can't keep her in a stall to keep her safe, when even that might not help her. That is no life for her, and it becomes about me, and not about her. She deserves better than that.
For now I am going to continue to spoil her, groom her, soak in her smell, and love on her. We're going to let her be a horse, with the understanding that it may need to happen sooner rather than later if she gets hurt and we are not there.
She deserves so much more than I was ever able to give her and that breaks my heart.
Hug your horse today.
After much debate, and "what ifs," we have decided to let Denali go.
We sat down with the vet last night for and talked about options for a long time. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have have had to do. She isn't going to get better, and I finally understand that.
It is not fair to her to bubblewrap her, and put her in a stall for the rest of her life because her suspensory failed her, and the EPM took her ability to balance. The vet said there is a very slight chance that after treating her for EPM, and 6-12 months of stall rest that she could be turned out again, but that her hind legs fail her again. If it was just one thing wrong, and not 3, we would have had a better chance. This is the second vet to tell me this.
We don't have a date scheduled, but before December. This is when I wished that I owned property so she could have a proper burial, but no, I need to scheduled the truck to come pick her up, and I think that is what breaks my heart the most. She deserves better than a truck.
She is my baby, and I love her more than anything. I just can't keep her in a stall to keep her safe, when even that might not help her. That is no life for her, and it becomes about me, and not about her. She deserves better than that.
For now I am going to continue to spoil her, groom her, soak in her smell, and love on her. We're going to let her be a horse, with the understanding that it may need to happen sooner rather than later if she gets hurt and we are not there.
She deserves so much more than I was ever able to give her and that breaks my heart.
Hug your horse today.
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