All right, all right

I came out of my hole, but saw my shadow, so no promises.

I fell a bit better today, and less like hosting a pity party. My mom actually made me feel good. We had a nice long talk about Denali. I expected her to freak out when I told her about my flying lesson (I failed to mention it to her last week.) I explained what happened and she asked me what I was going to do. Then she gave me one of her favorite quotes, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you're going to keep getting what you've always gotten." In this case, this is very true.

When Denali would be naughty with me at my barn, my trainer would take her from me. See the problem that I've developed? I' not going to push myself to ride her. It's not a big deal. I'm not afraid of her, but I do know that we need to get a better relationship. Now I just need a jet plane to get to the barn faster!

So back to my goals, and staying out of the hole for now. No promises on that one, work is crazy!

Bah Humbug



Sorry. I think I've been doing pretty well being positive about everything, but life has gotten the best of me tonight. I keep re-thinking the whole owning Denali thing. This is DEFIANTLY NOT what I thought horse ownership would be like. Two and a half years after entering into this world of horse ownership not much has changed.

I still own a horse that I can't ride.

My husband talked to his parents tonight and mentioned my flying lesson on Thursday. They are of course concerned, which makes him concerned (even more so than normal.) They are worried that I'm going to end up getting hurt. Sometimes this makes me overly worried too. Then I remind myself that bomb proof horses can spook and hurt their owners. Tonight is one of those nights where the irrational thoughts outweigh the rational thoughts.

I also hate Facebook. My friends post comments about their awesome lessons, and how amazing their rides were. Bah humbug. Yes, I am happy for them. I am happy for you if your horse is sound and sane. I am also extremely jealous. Extremely jealous. I went into my boo-who mood tonight with my husband going over how much I wish I owned a horse that I could ride, that could teach me something in the saddle. I know I'm learning, it's just not what I want to be learning right now. I know that selling Denali is technically an option, but what in the hell would that ad look like?

For sale: One 16 hand OTTB with limited riding, bucks, doesn't trailer well. Has aggression issues, along with severe arthritis. Has torn suspensories and tendons...... see my point?

Plus I'm terrified that she'd end up starved, beat, or back in the kill pen. I can't do this to her. It's not her fault I'm a moron.

Ugh. Okay enough bitching for now.

Weekend Update

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Okay, so I may have not ruined Denali, but I sure as the hell have made things more difficult for myself. I know that I said I'm not going to make goals for us, but I'm going to make goals for us.

1. Get a trainer. I need to move on from my other trainer. For a million reasons I need to move on. I like her and if someone was just getting into horses, or was young I would suggest her. I need someone else. My old trainer makes me nervous around Denali. I don't need that. The vet has someone she think will work well with us. The best part is that the trainer will come to the barn, so I don't need to worry about taking Denali anywhere.

2. More Groundwork. I feel like Pia's mom on this. Denali does great with me on the ground, but obviously something is missing. She needs consistency and that needs to be from me. We're to the point that having another trainer working with her without me involved isn't going to help me and her. We need couple's consoling.

3. Get back on. This one makes me nervous of course, but I know I need to do it. I actually have a plan for this. (I know, I HAVE A PLAN.)  We have a bareback pad that I'm going to use. I am going to just work on putting my weight on her (aka, laying across her back) and if she bucks or make any motion of bucking I'm going to move her feet, move her feet, move her feet. I'm going to put on her bridle but use a rope halter and lead rope for the moving the feet part.  I don't plan on getting on her the whole way for a while, but this is something that I know I can do. I have to do it, if she gets away with it she's just going to up the anti next time. I get nervous about making her move her feet if she's naughty due to the nero problems/suspensory/tendon issues. It would be so much easier if she didn't break so easily.

I think 3 goals are good. I guess I need a timeline.... eh, I'll worry about that later.

I got a very nice text message from the vet tonight. I will continue to kick myself for not using her in the beginning. She's amazing. She told me that she was impressed by my strength, resiliency and positive attitude. Ha! I'm glad she thinks I'm a strong person (physically I guess yes, who else gets kicked 10 times and breaks nothing, well maybe a kidney.) As for the positive attitude, getting down for extended periods of time isn't going to help. I know I can fix this it's just going to take time. Lots of time. (Those 50 miles between me and the vet barn make that a bit difficult.) Oh well.

In regards to my weekend. Saturday I volunteered at a Gelding Clinic at the center. It was really interesting and made me realize how much I wish I could be a vet. There were 4 horses who came in to be gelded. Only 3 of them actually ended up being gelded, one of them was a cryptorchid and was unable to be done. He was an adorable 17 month old grade colt. I am worried of where he will end up since the surgery is so expensive and his owner didn't seem very well off. The three who were done were perfect patients. I got to go over paperwork and escort them to their stalls. Denali took and hour and a half to go into heat. I guessed 20 minutes. She was flashing her butt and peeing everywhere. Keep in mind she was at least 100 yards away from the barn. That's her talent of going into heat at a moments notice.

Bones waking up from his surgery





Mmmmm.... I smellz boyz!



There is another gelding clinic in a month that I'm also volunteering at, next time there are more horses.




Iz notz naughty, Iz misunderstood. More carrotz helpz mez to understandz.

 

Caution: Swearing

For those of you who are new to this blog, a warning. I swear like a sailor when I've had a bad day. Today. Today was a very bad day. If swear words bother you. Stop reading now.

To sum up today: FUCK!

My kiddos at work were NUTS!! I had one scale a 5 ft fence and take off running down the street. That was the low point of our crazy day. I'm lucky that my assistants are so good, I'd quit without them.

After work I had a meeting, and decided to run out to see Denali. The vet said she'd be there at 6:15, and I was about 15 minutes early. I decided to go get Denali and let her run around. My first time getting her without anyone there. I walked up to the field, and couldn't see any horses at all in the dark. I yelled her name, and like a good girl she came up to the fence. Yay! Good girl.

I took her into the arena, took her blanket off and let her have her wiggles out. About that time the vet showed up and we decided to take her into the round pen. I worked with her on walk/trot/canter transitions. (Canter ONLY because she was so full of beans she was breaking into it anyway, so I made it my idea.)  She was a good girl and listened so well. Yay! Good girl!

We saddled her up and I worked her again in the round pen. She listened and was very responsive on the ground. Yay! Good girl!

At this point we put the bridle on her, I threw on my helmet (always, ALWAYS Key!) and went to mount Denali for the first time since September. Well. Does anyone remember what I said I hope Denali never learns??

Anyone?

Anyone?

Does this help remind you?

How about this photo??

That my blog following friends is Denali, bucking. This time however, picture me attempting to get on her. I had my foot in the stirrup, and was *almost* on when she had a bucking fit. She has NEVER bucked, and I have never been on a bucking horse. Since I was not totally on, I didn't stay on her and bit the dust (but let's not kid ourselves...I would have never stayed on her.) I saw her hoof 2 inches from my face and prayed that she'd keep it at least 2 inches from my face. Luckily she didn't kick out at all, which is her normal play bucking routine. I ate the arena footing but luckily it's like a giant mattress and the only thing that hurts is my arm from trying to block my fall.

Am I pleased? Nope. Not at all. Fucking pissed is the best way to put it.

Am I mad at her? No! How could I be? I obviously have done something to totally freak her out. (Gee, I wonder...)  We've had problems in the past when I've gone to mount her and dismount. She's gotten tense in the past, and once has bunny hopped when I got off.

However, whatever the problem, bucking is not okay.

So now what? Well, I didn't want her to think that bucking me off was okay, but I also didn't want to get on her. Large problem right? I made her stand still and I put my weight in the stirrup and laid over her back. She stood still, I gave her scratches, and hoped back off.

I asked the vet, "It wasn't a big buck right? Just a baby buck."

Nope, nada, full on bronco buck. At least I know she has skills. Fuck.

I'm so fucking pissed off at myself. I've ruined my horse. She came to me as a rescue, and I'm the one that has ruined her. She use to trailer like a pro, and you could hop on her from anywhere and she'd be fine. Nope. I've really fucked up. BIG TIME. I've made my horse terrified of trailers and trailering. I've caused her undue stress when I get on her (I guess coming off of her hasn't helped.) Bucking isn't acceptable, but it also tells me something. She doesn't buck with anyone else on her. She has NEVER bucked under saddle. Now I am worried that she will remember that bucking got me off. FUCK!!!!!

What now? Anyone else can get on her...but me. She has melt downs. Obviously I need to do more work with her. I honestly didn't think she'd melt down. It's been so long since I've been on her, and the vet has been riding her and she's been great. Stupid, stupid me.

This isn't something a trainer can fix. It doesn't help if other people can ride her. I need to be able to ride her. She's fine with anyone else. Tonight after I ate arena footing the vet got on her. Denali was a little snotty, but also really itchy.

I really hope that we can get through this. More groundwork I guess. What do you do when you're the one to fucking ruin your own horse? I can't give her away. I can't sell her. She requires so much upkeep and care that no one in their right mind would give her a good home. Seriously, the amount of money that goes into her each month. Hell, just in supplements, it is enough to make some people ill. I know how I feel when I get the bill.

I'm going to bed. I might just stay there for a few months.

Denali, the seamstress

Someone asked me if I sewed the tail bags or if Denali did. I thought this picture could clear up any confusion! Also, thanks Nicole! We got your order, and as soon as Denali can figure out how to press the peddle and pull the fabric, those bags will be on their way. Okay, okay, so she will probably have some help from mom.

Back to the drawing board...

Yesterday I thought I finally had all my ducks in a row for getting my saddle adjusted. I found a saddler in South Carolina who has the world's best accent. I talked to him about my saddle, and what needed done to it. Then a friend of mine informed me that my favorite saddle fitter from the local tack shop has gone off on her own and started her own saddle fitting business. Yay! Perfect. I figured I'd have her out to help me do the tracings, and then send the saddle away with her information. I didn't trust myself.

She asked me again what kind of tree my Passier had and I told her. She said, "Good, because wood trees are near impossible to make smaller without breaking." Oh that's good I thought because I'm SURE that my tree isn't wood.

Last night I decided that I would e-mail Passier with my saddle's serial number to make sure I was right.

Shocking. I was wrong (in addition to being a good procrastinator, I'm really good at being wrong.) It is a wood tree, and I just don't want to risk it. Well, that was the last straw for me with this saddle. I'm not going to risk sending it away, spending a ton of money and having it NOT fit Denali in the long run. The good thing is that the saddle fitter from our area is going to be carrying lower end dressage saddles, so I can get a new one for the price I bought the used Passier. I LOVED how I felt in the Passier. It was amazing for me to ride in a saddle that fit me for once. Oh well.

Niedersuss

So off to eBay it goes, and I cross my fingers that it sells. I also put my Niedersuss on eBay. It's a 17.25 inch seat, so no wonder my large butt had a hard time staying in it. 

 With any luck, I will sell both saddles, be able to buy one that fits us, and hopefully have a few pennies left over. I think their starting prices is pretty reasonable compared to the other saddles that are for sale. Although with the luck I have, they won't sell and I'll be stuck with them forever. I think the Passier will fit Pete, so not the end of my world.

Passier

Fab February!

I have a love/hate relationship with February.

Let's have a Denali's mom flash back (insert flash back noise here) In college I had a boyfriend. He was tall, handsome, and was on the basketball team at my college. He was also a dick. I didn't see the fact that he was a dick, I was too drawn to the fact that he was tall, handsome, and played basketball (I love basketball.) I believed every word that came out of his mouth. Horrible things happened with him. I won't share those here. Denali woudln't be pleased. This blog is about her. Not something that happend years ago.

I remember being at a party once and overhearing a girl talk about the guy she was fooling around with, and how his girlfriend had no idea. I knew it was me she was talking about, but I continued to be stupid about it. (Side note: This is why I joined Rugby. I wanted to beat the crap out of her without getting in trouble. I heard that she was trying out for the team so I figured I would too. She quit the team within a week. Win for me. I know, I sound like such a nice person.)

Flash forward to February of that year. I went to a friends house with her and came back to college a day early to find out that he had stolen my car, and went to another college with one of my friends (now ex friend.) Long story short,needless to say I lost my mind, and I finally wised up and dumped him. Asshole. Anyway, I dumped him on Valentines day. Needless to say for the next few years I hated the holiday. Jerk-face ruined it for me, and gave me a bad taste for men and "love".  It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized a few things:

1. There really are nice guys out there. I didn't think they existed. Poor guy. I think the first year and a half we were together I kept expecting him to cheat on me, dump me, or just be a jerk. He has yet to do that (and I know he never will!)
2. You don't need to put up with a jerk-face.
3. Love does exist in things that have less than 4 legs.

So, let's hear it for the horse husbands! The ones who put up with our excessive spending, hours away from home, and the smell of hay/supplements/horse that always lingers around the house/car. Also, lets hear it for the jerk-face boyfriends that helped to make us the people we are today. I know I am a much stronger person because I dealt with Jerk-face.

Also, welcome to February. January was pretty good to us. Only one vet bill, for a fecal float (which is preventative.) Pretty good for us!!