To sum up today: FUCK!
My kiddos at work were NUTS!! I had one scale a 5 ft fence and take off running down the street. That was the low point of our crazy day. I'm lucky that my assistants are so good, I'd quit without them.
After work I had a meeting, and decided to run out to see Denali. The vet said she'd be there at 6:15, and I was about 15 minutes early. I decided to go get Denali and let her run around. My first time getting her without anyone there. I walked up to the field, and couldn't see any horses at all in the dark. I yelled her name, and like a good girl she came up to the fence. Yay! Good girl.
I took her into the arena, took her blanket off and let her have her wiggles out. About that time the vet showed up and we decided to take her into the round pen. I worked with her on walk/trot/canter transitions. (Canter ONLY because she was so full of beans she was breaking into it anyway, so I made it my idea.) She was a good girl and listened so well. Yay! Good girl!
We saddled her up and I worked her again in the round pen. She listened and was very responsive on the ground. Yay! Good girl!
At this point we put the bridle on her, I threw on my helmet (always, ALWAYS Key!) and went to mount Denali for the first time since September. Well. Does anyone remember what I said I hope Denali never learns??
Does this help remind you?
That my blog following friends is Denali, bucking. This time however, picture me attempting to get on her. I had my foot in the stirrup, and was *almost* on when she had a bucking fit. She has NEVER bucked, and I have never been on a bucking horse. Since I was not totally on, I didn't stay on her and bit the dust (but let's not kid ourselves...I would have never stayed on her.) I saw her hoof 2 inches from my face and prayed that she'd keep it at least 2 inches from my face. Luckily she didn't kick out at all, which is her normal play bucking routine. I ate the arena footing but luckily it's like a giant mattress and the only thing that hurts is my arm from trying to block my fall.
Am I pleased? Nope. Not at all. Fucking pissed is the best way to put it.
Am I mad at her? No! How could I be? I obviously have done something to totally freak her out. (Gee, I wonder...) We've had problems in the past when I've gone to mount her and dismount. She's gotten tense in the past, and once has bunny hopped when I got off.
However, whatever the problem, bucking is not okay.
So now what? Well, I didn't want her to think that bucking me off was okay, but I also didn't want to get on her. Large problem right? I made her stand still and I put my weight in the stirrup and laid over her back. She stood still, I gave her scratches, and hoped back off.
I asked the vet, "It wasn't a big buck right? Just a baby buck."
Nope, nada, full on bronco buck. At least I know she has skills. Fuck.
I'm so fucking pissed off at myself. I've ruined my horse. She came to me as a rescue, and I'm the one that has ruined her. She use to trailer like a pro, and you could hop on her from anywhere and she'd be fine. Nope. I've really fucked up. BIG TIME. I've made my horse terrified of trailers and trailering. I've caused her undue stress when I get on her (I guess coming off of her hasn't helped.) Bucking isn't acceptable, but it also tells me something. She doesn't buck with anyone else on her. She has NEVER bucked under saddle. Now I am worried that she will remember that bucking got me off. FUCK!!!!!
What now? Anyone else can get on her...but me. She has melt downs. Obviously I need to do more work with her. I honestly didn't think she'd melt down. It's been so long since I've been on her, and the vet has been riding her and she's been great. Stupid, stupid me.
This isn't something a trainer can fix. It doesn't help if other people can ride her. I need to be able to ride her. She's fine with anyone else. Tonight after I ate arena footing the vet got on her. Denali was a little snotty, but also really itchy.
I really hope that we can get through this. More groundwork I guess. What do you do when you're the one to fucking ruin your own horse? I can't give her away. I can't sell her. She requires so much upkeep and care that no one in their right mind would give her a good home. Seriously, the amount of money that goes into her each month. Hell, just in supplements, it is enough to make some people ill. I know how I feel when I get the bill.
I'm going to bed. I might just stay there for a few months.