Broken Heart

It is with a heavy heart that I write this.

After much debate, and "what ifs," we have decided to let Denali go.

We sat down with the vet last night for and talked about options for a long time. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have have had to do. She isn't going to get better, and I finally understand that.

It is not fair to her to bubblewrap her, and put her in a stall for the rest of her life because her suspensory failed her, and the EPM took her ability to balance. The vet said there is a very slight chance that after treating her for EPM, and 6-12 months of stall rest that she could be turned out again, but that her hind legs fail her again. If it was just one thing wrong, and not 3, we would have had a better chance. This is the second vet to tell me this.

We don't have a date scheduled, but before December. This is when I wished that I owned property so she could have a proper burial, but no, I need to scheduled the truck to come pick her up, and I think that is what breaks my heart the most. She deserves better than a truck.

She is my baby, and I love her more than anything. I just can't keep her in a stall to keep her safe, when even that might not help her. That is no life for her, and it becomes about me, and not about her. She deserves better than that.

For now I am going to continue to spoil her, groom her, soak in her smell, and love on her. We're going to let her be a horse, with the understanding that it may need to happen sooner rather than later if she gets hurt and we are not there.

She deserves so much more than I was ever able to give her and that breaks my heart.

Hug your horse today.

...

I can't even give this post a title. I'm too f!@#ing upset.

Denali is fine before your heart jumps in your mouth.

The vet called me this morning to discuss Denali's leg. She didn't seem to think that there was anything in there and asked me if she could do some more x-rays on it. "Sure!"

A little while later she calls and asks if she can ultrasound it. "Um. Yeah?"

A little while later she calls me to tell me that they're not going to do the surgery after all. Denali tore a ligament (don't remember which one, and too upset to go find her discharge papers) away from the bone, and since here body is trying to heal it they didn't want to go in. It's one of the stabilizing ones.

She said that doing shock wave could help do something (I don't remember what, I think it has to do with resurfacing the area) to keep her sound "for now." For now!? What in the hell. She said that Denali will quickly develop arthritis in that joint and that down the road that injections will help, and possibly fusing the bones in the joint. How !@#$ing Awesome is that!? Shock Wave should slow down the development of arthritis. I put this picture on my facebook and right away someone made a comment of "Oh DO I Have stories of Shockwave and Pilchuck." That's such an appropriate thing to say to someone who JUST had it done (insert upset sarcasm here.)

Know what that means??!

Anyone? Anyone remember how AWESOME my insurance is? I'd love to offer a cash reward, but I don't have any of that anymore.

It means that I get the vet bill. All $1,330.30 of it. Oh how !@#$ great is that! Because I totally have it laying around. Best part? We get to do it again in 2 weeks. UGH!

Worst part? I honestly don't know if I can send her to Pegasus anytime soon. This Vet bill wasn't expected (remember that thing called insurance? Yeah, I expected them to pay.) I know that people should have money saved up for emergencies, and we DID, and then EPM happened, this happened, and the torn suspsensory happened.

Thanks for everyone's concerns and well wishes! Denali got them all. She was a good girl on the way home and HATES, HATES, HATES the wraps on her legs. They come off tomorrow, so that's good!

I need to go find things to sell.... wish me luck!

Nervous Wreck

Sleepy Denali hand-walking this morning. She's not a morning person either!

I was fine. I really was fine up to now. Now. Now I'm a nervous wreck. So much so that Opheila's mom's boyfriend joined me in my run to the gas station this evening and sequential consumption of over 50 grams of fat (Sugar Wafers are evil!!) I'm a nervous wreck and I hate it. When I'm nervous I eat. Boo.

Denali was a good girl today. I hand walked her to wear her out, then gave her a bath. She didn't move a muscle. Poor thing, she was so happy to be out of her stall she'd do anything for attention. I got to the barn at 11 and just hung out with Ms. Denali. We had her wrapped and

loaded by 1:30 and were on our way. It was the first time that Ms. Denali balked at the trailer door. She knew something was up and she wasn't going to be a fool. BUT the sweet smell of hay overcame her and she gave in. She was good girl the whole way to Pilchuck.

We got there and I had to give them her medical history. I chuckled nervously as I wrote everything down. The surgeon came out and talked with me and my trainer. She was very nice and walked out with me to get Denali. Denali is great at loading, and trailering, but once it stops she wants out. Now. I opened the trailer and went inside. She tried to back out as soon as i released the divider (I don't know what to call it, it is a 4 horse slant load, so the thing that holds her in place.) She was all tense and I was at least a little confident knowing that as I pet her and talked to her I could feel some of the tension leaving her back. Eventually she calmed down enough that we could back out of the trailer without killing one of us. The vet tech tried tot take her from me, but I asked if I could walk her to her stall. Denali does really well with people she knows and trusts, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, she freaks out and every time she has she has gotten hurt.

The surgeon wasn't sure what exactly is going on with her leg. The xrays show one thing, but I guess from the outside it shows another. She talked about the tests that she wants to do on Denali. I thought to myself "Yeah, those are all great and all, but if you don't cut her open I'm going to have to pay for those because my insurance won't!" I'm a horrible person. All I know is that the surgeon told me that the quote is $3,500 and that is a low estimate. Great, just freaking great!

Ms. Slew weighs in at a whole 1,180 pounds. I wonder what she weighed before she lost all her muscle. She was a very good girl and made a friend with a pretty warmblood mare next door to her.

Denali settled in very quickly into her stall, and quickly made it known that she was in heat. She stood there with her tail flipped up and kept peeing. Oh Denali, must you be a hussy? I reminded Denali that she wasn't there to be bred, kissed her on her nose and left her. Now I'm sitting her waiting for the surgeon to call me to tell me their game plan for tomorrow. I think I'm going to be sick.

Also, Denali and I want to send a get well to Pia who seems to have almost as much luck as Denali does! Pia is having her own spa treatment (for the second time in a month) tomorrow too. Pia and Denali seem to have the same outlook on life in general. Maybe it's a good thing that they are at two different hospitals! :)

Wheres yous goin?

Quick update- UGH!!!!!!!

Got back from the East Coast last night. Got a phone call from the vet today.

I usually like hearing from the vet, but at this point I'm sick of it.

I asked her last time she was out about Denali's right hind (note that her tear is in the left hind) and the swelling that is still there. She apparently went over the x-rays and said that there are some areas of concerns. Sigh. She's coming out to do x-rays on her right hind in two weeks. I heard Cha-Ching, Cha-Ching, Cha-Ching....

Things I've canceled:
All magazine subscriptions, my giddyupflix.com subscription, my Starbucks stops, my weekly eating out with friends, etc.

Anyone want a horse? At this point I'm just so frustrated. She has one good leg, her left front. I can't imagine what it would be like to own a horse that wasn't constantly breaking down. It makes me very jealous that I don't. I am starting to really hate dumping money into something that might end up being a pretty pasture pet.

I'm 5% of the way of my goal. If you need to buy anything check out our other blog. www.rehabdenali.blogspot.com I'm thinking of renaming it www.keepmeoutofthepoorhouse.blogspot.com not really, but it would be funny.

If anyone has an Ipod I'm selling 60$ worth of iTunes gift cards for $50.00 and I guarantee that they have never been used! Also, I have hundreds of children's books (grades 3-8) if you know anyone who needs some!

I haven't even seen the poor girl in 5 days. I should stop complaining about her.

Bad News

The vet came out yesterday. I was so optimistic that I wasn't really prepared for the diagnosis. She has a tear in her lateral Suspensory ligament by the splint bone where it bisects. She's on stall rest for at least 90 days. I had to sit down when the vet told me that. Denali. Denali in a stall. Denali in a stall for 90 days! She's not allowed out of her stall at all for the next two weeks. Too much of a risk of her hurting herself. Rehab is going to be one interesting journey! One very interesting journey for sure!

We have lots of options. The vet started talking about stem cells and I stopped her, "You do realize that I bought this horse for around $400.00 right?" Not that I don't love her, but dropping that much money into a horse that I don't plan on taking to the top is just not fesible for me financially! I didn't even ask how much it cost, but I can imagine. Don't think I'm a horrible person!

Some other options:

1. Shock Wave Therapy. It's $300.00 a pop and she'd need at least 3 treatments.

2. Pegasus Rehabilitation Center. It's amazing and I'd love to send her here!! It is $1,800 a month.

The vet said that doing the shock wave therapy and Pegasus would be the most beneficial for her. UGH!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!

Oh and to top it all off, remember this lump? The vet is going to look at the x rays again. It keeps seeping and so one suggestion was it could be a piece of dead bone working its way to the surface. She'd need surgery if this is the case...

For Sale: One Thoroughbred Mare, 6, has a suspensory injury in left hind, possible bone fragment in her rt hind, and was recently treated for EPM. Has aggression issues with other horses, and needs a confident rider.

How does that sound? No, it's not real! That is how it would read! Ideas on treating this kind of injury? Anyone else going throught this fun time! She hates, hates, HATES the stall!