Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy eh-screw it...

Sorry. I'm one of those people who hates Valentine's Day. I always have. If there wasn't so much pressure on people I think it would be okay. I think it's great to tell others that you love them but to feel like you need to go buy your loved one (or have a loved one for that matter) something is stupid.

So Sunday. Yesterday I decided to be a good wife and clean the house. I dusted, I mopped, I swept the floor and I started laundry. Things my husband always does because I'm at the barn.

After finishing my cleaning I ran out to see Denali. On my way down the driveway to the barn my phone rang. It was the trainer that we're going to be working with. We've been playing phone tag, but have talked through e-mail several times. I think this might work. Unfortunately she is really busy so to start we will only be meeting twice a week for an hour and a half to two hours. I asked her lots of questions all which gave me answers I liked. She is going to stop by and meet Denali and work with her, and then meet me and talk to me so that she can see what she is working with. She has studied EFL and Natural Horsemanship and comes with glowing recommendations.

I was excited to see Denali in the arena until I noticed she was in with both new horses. One rears ands strikes out and was almost put down by her owner, but a rescue took her. She hates people. The poor things back is so sore and if she thinks that you're thinking of getting on her she attacks. The vet is working with her, but the vet is a super hero, I am not. The other one is also an interesting case. He likes to turn and kick. He's gotten 8-9 people in the chest. He's the reason people shouldn't have a baby unless you have the time to work with him everyday. He's only 2. Regardless... I was not going to go in the arena with them. Not when no one else was at the barn.

I was impressed with Denali's "momma skills" she was keeping them in line an acting like a horse, but never overreacted (which she use to do all the time.) She never actually bit the 2 year old, but anytime he did anything she thought was unacceptable, she's put him in line. I've never seen her do the snake neck thing, but she did. It was hilarious. In addition, Denali is shedding like crazy, it's only February girly! I felt bad that I couldn't go in with her, but loved her over the fence for a while.

I was staring at her and being the emotional wreck that I've been lately just started to cry. I told her that I was sorry for leaving her for 5 months, and I'm sorry that she wasn't treated well. She turned her back on me, so who knows. It's been 2 years and I still feel HORRIBLE. I think she remembers and doesn't trust that I will keep her safe. How could she? Think of all the times I couldn't or didn't. I hope we can fix this hot mess of a relationship. I love her.

After finishing up with Denali I went off to the other barn to take care of Pete's HORRIBLE rain rot and do my shift. He is also shedding and the poor boy has rain rot all over his neck and shoulder. I put MTG all over him and he was less than thrilled with the smell. His buddy next door gave me the funniest look when I walked near him. Not the best smell, but it works.  I had to move a few hay bales, but got the shift done in an hour. I get paid by the hour. I don't know why I feel the need to rush.

So. If you know me at all you'll see what just happened. I was around my trifecta of allergens. Dust, Horse, and Hay. By the time I was 20 minutes from the barn I work at I was wheezing and my left eye was already swollen shut. By the time I hit my house (about 45 minutes) I was sneezing constantly. I took my allergy medicine again, but it was too late. Oh the joys of having allergies. Swollen eyes, wheezing (also joys of allergy induced asthma), and sneezing. It knocked me out totally.

I couldn't find someone to go in for me today. I can't leave my students with just anyone. They'd flip. I woke up with two swollen eyes and no hearing in my left ear. Yuck.  I have two student teachers and this morning I told them they got to be in charge for the morning. They laughed at me, but quickly realized that I probably needed to be able to see and hear and talk to successfully teach the lessons. They excitedly taught what I had prepared.

Here has where I have been since I got home. Yuck. I can't wait until these allergy shots start working.
I keep thinking of my EFL session on Saturday. It was such a cool experience. I am doing it again on February 26th. The facilitator told me that he has never seen the mare interact with someone the way she interacted with me. I hope I learn to use my heart and less of my head.


achieve1dream said...

First off, please don't be offended, but you have to stop feeling guilty! Guilt gets you nowhere. It's a useless emotion. I know because I'm really bad about it too. I agonize over things forever and ever and then realize that no one else even remembers what I'm talking about, then I think why am I worrying about it if everyone else has forgotten about it and moved on? It's not healthy and isn't going to help your relationship. Please let it go so the healing can start. You didn't do what you did on purpose. Mistakes are how we learn. You know a whole lot more now than you did then so you can make sure it never happens again. I don't want to sound ugly, but I just think it's really important to let go of this or it will poison your happiness.

I think D is healthy and happy and loves you, so what point is there in worrying over the past? Think about the great things happening now and dream of the great future you will have together. I know you can do it!

I'm excited about the trainer. I can't wait for you to meet her so you can tell us all about her. :)

Sorry about the allergies. Mine have been horrible lately too. :( I've had sinus headaches everyday for a week now. It's brutal. I'm thankful I don't have the asthma though and my eyes don't swell shut for the most part. I do have problems with my hearing, but it's all the time. People don't believe me when I tell them I can't hear them until they're standing behind me and I don't know they're talking to me. One of these days I'll see a specialist and have something done about it, but for now I just deal. :) I hope your allergy shots kick in soon because I know how miserable you're feeling.

I'm sort of with you on the whole Valentine's Day thing. It, like most holidays, is too commercialized. However I hope you had a great Valentine's Day! :D

Annette said...

I am allergic to hay and pollen and grass. Also have allergy induced asthma. I think its pretty cruel to be stuck with allergies AND an addiction to horses. Denali forgives you and knows you love her. You need to forgive yourself..

Denali's Mom said...

If I could let go of my guilt I would in a heartbeat. I can't. It's easier said than done. There's a whole lot of baggage that isn't going to be moved, it's a matter of me trying to figure out how to build around it. Seriously. Always guilty. I'm guilty about things that I shouldn't be guilty about. I think I took CCD too seriously.

Snowhawk Przhevalsky said...

Maybe by turning away, she was saying "Eh, it's cool. I'm over it." Kind of her way of saying to move on too. :)

Sorry about the allergies. D: I'm supposedly not allergic to dogs and cats and most everything else, but my sinuses don't seem to believe that.

Heidi said...

I'm the one our family that cries, so I understand. Your situation reminded me of Cesar Milan advice. Animals see our over emotion (anger, sadness, guilt)as instability and they don't want a instable member of their herd/pack. I try to stay neutral emotionally around my horse and I think it's paid off. They don't understand the complex emotions, so I save it for inside the car afterwards (or I try to;)).

Kate said...

I agree with achieve1dream. You don't necessarily have to forget about your past. IF you did, how would you ever learn from it? I think that what you do have to do is let go of some of the guilt you carry around with it and concentrate that energy on moving forward with Denali. You have a chance to make a difference in your mare's tomorrow, but you can't change the past. You can only learn from your mistakes, and try to not make the same ones over and over again.
One of my good friends is allergic to hay, dogs, cats, horses, grass, pollens, goldenrod, dust, and everything else that you could possibly find at the barn. Last summer we barn sat together for a week... should I add she also has bad asthma? Best of all, she agreed to do it again next summer. Fun, eh?

Karen said...

I'm not sure if I've left a comment yet saying that your drawings crack me up! (your allergies are not funny of course, bleh)

Dom said...

I hate V-day as well. I had a good one this year, but I'm still not a fan at all!

I'm with everyone else. No reason to feel guilty. Stop it!

Val said...

Your illustrations are really great! I hope the allergies clear up fast. An allergy fog is no fun at all.

irishhorseygirl said...

I hope you get over your allergies and guilt soon! I know the guilt feeling and its not nice but honestly you can't change the past so don't ruin the present by living in the past (haha i sound like a shrink)! P.S. Your horsey is very pretty/1

rosewolfkin said...

You poor thing! That's horrible! I have allergies like that but only to cottonwood.

Don't worry - she loves you.