Thursday, May 17, 2012

101 Things To Do With Your Stall Bound Horse (Revisited)

I'm going out tonight to try out the saddle and have a lesson on Vera. I'm excited. It is sunny out, but still chilly (which is sad after our B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L weekend.) Then I'm off to one of the islands near Seattle for a long girls weekend. I was just looking through this blog and found this that Ophie's mom made for me when Denali was on stall rest.

So funny! I like a good laugh!

101 Things To Do With Your Stall Bound Horse:



1. art class!

2. clicker training

3. There are about 7500 varieties of apples in the world. But which

is her favorite?

4. Perfect your horse massage technique.

5. Patent and sell photo-op with "Famous Glass-Legged Thoroughbred"

6. Still life photography

7. Perfect art of body-clipping

8. Tell people she's about to foal. Set up webcam. Laugh.

9. Teach her to stand square. Impress your vet.

10. Apply temporary tattoos to shaved area. Let the hair grow back.

Next ultrasound appointment - surprise your vet!

11. Make casts of her hoofprint and decorate. Sell to raise money for

vet bills.

12. Offer her as a demo-tester to companies selling "no-chew" sprays.

13. Hang a blue screen behind her, photoshop her image in front of

famous landmarks

14. Hoof glitter polish inspired make-over

15. hypnosis

16. Use her as test subject for new horse-treat baking enterprise.

17. Become You-Tube famous

18. Make her bedding into a zen garden

19. Story hour

20. Hug-tolerance training

21. Record her nickers. Remix. Get record deal.

22. Teach her to pick up her feet with a verbal cue.

23. Cover stall wall with white paper. Screen "The Black Stallion"

"National Velvet" etc

24. Bedazzling!

25. Stall window-box garden. (Instant compost built right in!)

26. Train as watch-dog to spot intruders

27. Teach her to hold a sponge and see if she'll polish your tack for you

28. Bridle model

29. Learn really, really complicated braiding techniques

30. Hang intro dressage patterns in her stall. Maybe she'll learn by osmosis.

31. Speed eating contests

32. Hold up a mirror, see if she pins her ears

33. Daily weight-taping + excel = chart making fun!

34. Hold a lottery, where $1 buys one guess as to how much she'll

weigh after 90 days stall rest. Winner gets first ride

35. Photograph 1x per day. Make really boring flip-book

36. Play horseshoes with pulled shoes

37. Drive trainer crazy by demanding her transitional housing be

EXACTLY 20x20. Claim the vet said it makes a difference.

38. Buy her inflatable arm floaties to get her ready for swim-therapy

39. Enter to be on "Extreme Makeover: Home Addition" with request for

"X-Treme Rehab Pad"

40. Write "Letters from A Woodinville Jail" from her perspective a la

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

41. Enter "Dee Nali" in local school board race. When she wins, have

her give you a raise.

42. Start a blog... wait, nevermind

43. Learn to make rope halters

44. List her as available for a partial-lease. Claim that you will be

able to give the leasor "the REAL experience of what horse-ownership

is like"

45. Send vet hourly text message updates on her condition

46. Hang a keyboard in her stall at head level. Tell people she sends

you messages. Convince them you are serious.

47. Have her subscribe to "Field and Stream" "Thoroughbred Studbook,

2010", and "Apartment Living". Have them delieved to the barn owner's

mailing address. If asked, tell them she gets bored easily and needed

reading material.

48. Checkers

49. See how many sketchy registries (eg "Blue-Eyed Horse Society") you

can get her registered in

50. Aisle-way dance party

51. Start a petition to bring back tan M&Ms. Explain to Mars, inc that

you'll never be able to build a life-size M&M sculpture of your horse

without them

52. Start a religon, call it "Denali-ism" Religious rites consist

mainly of eating

53. Install a call-button in her stall

54. Assign your class to make her Get-Well cards

55. Learn acu-preassure

56. Market her as "extraneous finger removal" service for children

57. Learn to sleep standing up. Take naps together.

58. Post her profile on Match.com

59. Make balloon-animal-esque hay sculptures.

60. Wine tasting

61. Meditate on the nature of time

62. Brush her teeth

63. Threaten to enter the stable dog in showmanship-in-hand if she

doesn't get well

64. Play catch

65. Body paint zebra stripes

66. Set up a TV and turn it to the Farm Network for her

67. Use the stall window bars as a loom. Weave new stable blankets

68. Make her a really big friendship bracelet

69. Make her a calendar and let her X the days as they go by

70. Take really crappy pictures of her and market her on Craigslist

for "stud service" count how many self-righteous emails you get

71.Drinking games

72. Edible flower arrangement

73. Distance-learning classes. Get her GED

74. Launch a campaign to get her (non)story covered on the local news

75. Pen a series of haikus with her: "Day 5 of my jail/How I long to

see my friends/so I can bite them"

76. Cut Ralph Lauren logos off old clothes and sew them to her polo wraps

77. Get her a pet. Birds would be nice.

78. Compose emo songs together

79. Paint a mural on her stall walls (easier to beg forgiveness than

ask permission vis-a-vis property owners on this one)

80. Tether ball

81. Pull her shoes. Become a fanatical devotee of Barefoot Horses.

When she returns to work, put shoes back on and disavow any knowledge

of your previous beliefs

82. Teach her poker, lose your money to her in new ways

83. Translate her wall-kicking into morse code, discover hidden messages

84. Drag in a kiddie pool. Splash together

85. Unicorn-horn ring toss

86. Sand/bedding castles

87. Water bucket bobbing for apples

88. Start a punk band with Denali on drums

89. Request autographs from B list movie stars. Hang in her stall

90. Send post cards from her to your friends' laid-up horses

91. Put on a puppet-nonnie show

92. Books on tape. Maybe Agatha Christie?

93. Costume Party

94. Next vet visit, explain that you bought your own ultrasound

machine. Then whip out an etch-a-sketch

95. Whittling. She's a natural!

96. Braid flowers into her mane and play "If You're Going to San

Francisco..." on repeat. Explain to trainer that Denali is now

exploring "enhanced consciousness" due to the reserpine

97. Bake bread, Denali can help with kneading

98. Publish children's books together, start with "How Timmy Learned

Not to Stand Behind the Horse and Other Fun Decapitation Tales"

99. Get her a chemistry set. What could go wrong?

100. Earthquake readiness drills.





and...



101. Smile, this too shall pass.

1 comment:

The Fullers said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :)