Sunday, April 10, 2011

No go.

I just want out of horses. I told my husband that I don't ever want to own another again. I got back into horses the totally wrong way, I took "lessons" in a shotty barn. I say "lessons" because I was often left on the horse by myself while the "trainer" did other things.  I bought a horse that wasn't matched to me in a way that was totally wrong. Every decision that I've made involving horses has been wrong. I have no desire to ride, I find my love and obsession going away. That makes me sad, but maybe I need to walk away. I can't walk away from Denali (nor would I ever do that.) I'm committed to her, and it wasn't her choice to come home with me. Nothing has gone right. I have used my heart every time and it's always been wrong. I know it could always be worse. Sorry, guys, I'm just so sad about the whole situation.

Denali is not going to live at that barn. I pictured 50 ways for her to kill herself in the first 10 minutes. It's beautiful, and if she didn't have glass legs I'd be all about it. There are a lot of rocks, and trees. The girl who owns it is so nice. She told me that she's not a boarding barn, and she isn't looking for boarders. That if I change my mind (after them living there for a few months and getting things picked up) Denali is welcome any time. There really isn't anywhere for me to do anything with her, not that I can.

I'm having a hard time using the words "retired" and "Denali" in the same sentence. That brings such a sadness over me it's hard to describe. It make me sad for her, sad for me, and sad for my husband and me. I don't know if I'm ready to say that yet. Today was just a really hard day. You don't need to give me any positive comments, I don't deserve them. I know you all care, I am just worn out.

(And again. People suggest I put Denali down. I can't put her down. She's happy, she's "healthy" and that's not fair to her. I'll live in my car first.)

18 comments:

Dom said...

*huge hugs* It's such a heart break sometimes :( I'm sorry it's happening to you. You are obviously the kind of loving, selfless, devoted owner that horses deserve, and many don't get. I wish you'd had a different set of circumstances. :(

Katydid said...

I'm sorry this is so hard. You are a good mom and denali has a lovely life with you...

TBA said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry :( Don't you wish you could just bubble wrap your horse sometimes? I wish you lived closer, that way you could have my bombproof mare and I know some great trainers that would give you lessons... I hope that riding can become fun for you again eventually, maybe a break is needed. If you're ever near Eugene, OR and need a horse-riding fix come over!

Lisa said...

:(

You don't deserve too feel like this.

Double :(

Megan said...

Hi, I don't think I've ever posted before, but I just wanted to say that sometimes you just have bad days or weeks - I know I do.

But the good times usually make up for the bad and I'm sure it will all work out - you did a great thing by helping Denali and if there is any sense of justice in the world then it happened for a reason. Maybe it wasn't so you could ride her or improve your own riding, but maybe there is another reason behind it.

I hope you feel better soon.

Judi said...

A year ago, this weekend, I had to put my horse, Mingo, down due to an undiagnosed disease that we struggled with for months.

Through the last few months, I felt like you do, now. I still had my older horse, and I figured I would just keep him until the end and be done with horses.

I was such an emotional wreck, and going out to the barn was just misery--even though I still had a healthy horse.

A month after Mingo passed on, I bought another horse, and all has gone well, since. I am happy I decided to stay in horses, after all.

Just don't make any definite decisions about your horse future--other than taking care of Denali. Give yourself time and stay open to all options. Your mind might change on a weekly, or even daily basis. That is what happened to me. Eventually, I made a decision that I felt was right, and for me, it was.

Whatever you decide, it will be correct, just don't let the emotions take too hard of a toll on you. Try to quiet your mind and live day by day. And, I am so glad she is comfortable and happy.

Ashley said...

chin up lady! it'll work itself out. it always does!

SprinklerBandit said...

:-( You sound really down and I don't blame you. It's been such a roller coaster for the last 6 months at least.

Just remember, the fact that you recognize you have made mistakes means you're learned and grown through them. You can hardly be expected to make perfect choices your first time back.

I vote you give the girl a couple months to take care of stuff and re evaluate. If it really is just rocks and trees we're talking about, Denali would probably be fine.

If I was there, we'd totally go get some beet salad.

Nicku said...

I'm sorry to hear that things just are not working out for you and Denali. I agree, putting her down isnt a reasonable option. It would be cool if there was someone fantastic just willing to take her for you. That's hard to think about but she's so young and could potentially be brought back into work and live a really full, useful life under the right circumstances. I just think sometimes assuming the burden of caring for these animals for the entirety of their 25+ year existence is not feasible. That may not be a popular view point, I dont know. But I do know when things are falling apart it wreaks havoc on our health, our work and our other human relationships/marriages/families. I do wonder what's happened to some of the horses I've had to sell or let go, but for me, I just had to place them in the best home I could with someone I felt wanted to love them as much as I did and hoped they continued to make good choices for them. Over the past 10 years I've flat out given away two of my nicest upper level horses (who were injured) to wonderful homes. I couldnt bear to sell them, I just needed them to be cared for and carefully rehabbed and I was not in a position to do so. The sweetest part is they are both back in full work, ADORED at the farm they live at and have a life far better than what I could have ever given them. It's a happy ending even though the letting go upfront was excruciating. At the end of the day though, you and only you know what is best for you, Denali and your husband. Good luck as you navigate all of this. We're praying for you girls.

SolitaireMare said...

Know that you are not alone. I hope the fates are kinder to us both.

Kristen Eleni Shellenbarger said...

Hugs...I know you are searching for the right thing to do for Denali..it will appear.

Jay Jennings said...

Sorry Kiddo; yea your previous post was sounding too good to be true.

We all go through many stages of horse ownership.

* The OMG I'm paying how much stage
* The my hose is lame and will never walk again stage
* The one of us going to kill the other stage
* The my spouse is going to kill me again stages...this one happens way too many times.

Yes, you got started wrong your not the only one. Since 99% of horse owners these days are new horse owners it's not that uncommon and If you look around your see so many with similar stories.

And even if you do get started right you go through changes in life and horse life where you struggle to find motivation. (I'm in that now)

But it gets in your blood and after a few days of time off you start missing the beasts and it starts all over.

In your case I think you just need a few wins to feel better. AS for D' she's a tough gal: good exercise program and time and she will heal up fine.

My offer still stands about coming out to our place for a few lessons with one of our kids and our trainer Cindy. Cindy could do wonderful things for D and start you both our slow and right. And if our kids a bit too wild for you; I'm sure the barn manager can find you something safe and easy going.

Gryph said...

Please don't give up hope. *hug* Things'll work out. You were given a second chance with Denali for a reason. :)

-Cyg

"Do your best, and leave the rest. T'will all come right, some day or night."

Gryph said...

Please don't give up hope. *hug* You were given a second chance for Denali for a reason. Things'll get better soon.

-Cyg

"Do your best, and leave the rest. T'will all come right, some day or night."

Gabriella Elise said...

Hey there... I just got caught up on my reading on this blog.

I know you said no positive, pick-me-up comments... but I think you need it. You're probably sick of hearing this, but, I feel like I need to tell you anyways.

Things will turn out eventually. You guys are so strong - and you're handling this all so well. Denali is in great hands.

Don't worry. We're here for you.

Promise.

eventer79 said...

Just wanted to send you a hug. I am in full agreement that animals seem to inevitably lead to heartbreak at this point in time.

Gryph said...

Sorry for the doublepost! Firefox crashed when I hit send the first time.

achieve1dream said...

Please don't ever believe that you deserve less than the best. You deserve all of the wonderful, positive, encouraging comments we can send. We're here for you through the good and the bad. I'm sorry the farm isn't going to work out at this time, but the fact that you have an open invitation is fantastic. Wait and see what improvements they can make to the place.

I know how you feel about wanting to give up on horses. I've had horses since I was five years old and I've felt that way too. I will tell you though the two years I was without a horse were the most miserable in my life! I was not happy. I never spent time outdoors. Even though things were horrible when I first got Chrome (ran through the fence, always sick, no companion, no barn, no money, etc etc etc) it has been totally worth it to be where we are now. I thought I'd made a huge mistake and gotten a weanling before I was ready or before the place was ready, but in the end it all worked out and I'm so happy I got him. I know you love Denali and I know things will work out. I'll be thinking of you two and praying for a solution. Keep on keeping on. Hugs!