I just want out of horses. I told my husband that I don't ever want to own another again. I got back into horses the totally wrong way, I took "lessons" in a shotty barn. I say "lessons" because I was often left on the horse by myself while the "trainer" did other things. I bought a horse that wasn't matched to me in a way that was totally wrong. Every decision that I've made involving horses has been wrong. I have no desire to ride, I find my love and obsession going away. That makes me sad, but maybe I need to walk away. I can't walk away from Denali (nor would I ever do that.) I'm committed to her, and it wasn't her choice to come home with me. Nothing has gone right. I have used my heart every time and it's always been wrong. I know it could always be worse. Sorry, guys, I'm just so sad about the whole situation.
Denali is not going to live at that barn. I pictured 50 ways for her to kill herself in the first 10 minutes. It's beautiful, and if she didn't have glass legs I'd be all about it. There are a lot of rocks, and trees. The girl who owns it is so nice. She told me that she's not a boarding barn, and she isn't looking for boarders. That if I change my mind (after them living there for a few months and getting things picked up) Denali is welcome any time. There really isn't anywhere for me to do anything with her, not that I can.
I'm having a hard time using the words "retired" and "Denali" in the same sentence. That brings such a sadness over me it's hard to describe. It make me sad for her, sad for me, and sad for my husband and me. I don't know if I'm ready to say that yet. Today was just a really hard day. You don't need to give me any positive comments, I don't deserve them. I know you all care, I am just worn out.
(And again. People suggest I put Denali down. I can't put her down. She's happy, she's "healthy" and that's not fair to her. I'll live in my car first.)