Thursday, May 13, 2010

101 Things To Do With Your Stall Bound Horse

Ophie's mom was at the barn yesterday when the vet told me about Ms. Denali's newest vacation stay in Stall #3. We actually have a trophy (that isn't actually created yet) that we pass back and forth for the most expensive vet bills. Ophelia thought she could pull ahead yesterday with her $1,000 vet bill for her 3 joint injections, but Denali pulled ahead at the last minute! Denali was the Champion of 2009 with her EPM treatments!

Well today at work I checked my e-mail and had one from Ophie's Mom entitled, 101 Things To Do With Your Stall Bound Horse. She made it up and I can honestly say that I have not laughed this hard in a LONG LONG TIME! I was at work and checked my e-mail and started crying I was laughing so hard!

So for your enjoyment! From Ophie's mom

101 Things To Do With Your Stall Bound Horse:

1. art class!
2. clicker training
3. There are about 7500 varieties of apples in the world. But which
is her favorite?
4. Perfect your horse massage technique.
5. Patent and sell photo-op with "Famous Glass-Legged Thoroughbred"
6. Still life photography
7. Perfect art of body-clipping
8. Tell people she's about to foal. Set up webcam. Laugh.
9. Teach her to stand square. Impress your vet.
10. Apply temporary tattoos to shaved area. Let the hair grow back.
Next ultrasound appointment - surprise your vet!
11. Make casts of her hoofprint and decorate. Sell to raise money for
vet bills.
12. Offer her as a demo-tester to companies selling "no-chew" sprays.
13. Hang a blue screen behind her, photoshop her image in front of
famous landmarks
14. Hoof glitter polish inspired make-over
15. hypnosis
16. Use her as test subject for new horse-treat baking enterprise.
17. Become You-Tube famous
18. Make her bedding into a zen garden
19. Story hour
20. Hug-tolerance training
21. Record her nickers. Remix. Get record deal.
22. Teach her to pick up her feet with a verbal cue.
23. Cover stall wall with white paper. Screen "The Black Stallion"
"National Velvet" etc
24. Bedazzling!
25. Stall window-box garden. (Instant compost built right in!)
26. Train as watch-dog to spot intruders
27. Teach her to hold a sponge and see if she'll polish your tack for you
28. Bridle model
29. Learn really, really complicated braiding techniques
30. Hang intro dressage patterns in her stall. Maybe she'll learn by osmosis.
31. Speed eating contests
32. Hold up a mirror, see if she pins her ears
33. Daily weight-taping + excel = chart making fun!
34. Hold a lottery, where $1 buys one guess as to how much she'll
weigh after 90 days stall rest. Winner gets first ride
35. Photograph 1x per day. Make really boring flip-book
36. Play horseshoes with pulled shoes
37. Drive trainer crazy by demanding her transitional housing be
EXACTLY 20x20. Claim the vet said it makes a difference.
38. Buy her inflatable arm floaties to get her ready for swim-therapy
39. Enter to be on "Extreme Makeover: Home Addition" with request for
"X-Treme Rehab Pad"
40. Write "Letters from A Woodinville Jail" from her perspective a la
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
41. Enter "Dee Nali" in local school board race. When she wins, have
her give you a raise.
42. Start a blog... wait, nevermind
43. Learn to make rope halters
44. List her as available for a partial-lease. Claim that you will be
able to give the leasor "the REAL experience of what horse-ownership
is like"
45. Send vet hourly text message updates on her condition
46. Hang a keyboard in her stall at head level. Tell people she sends
you messages. Convince them you are serious.
47. Have her subscribe to "Field and Stream" "Thoroughbred Studbook,
2010", and "Apartment Living". Have them delieved to the barn owner's
mailing address. If asked, tell them she gets bored easily and needed
reading material.
48. Checkers
49. See how many sketchy registries (eg "Blue-Eyed Horse Society") you
can get her registered in
50. Aisle-way dance party
51. Start a petition to bring back tan M&Ms. Explain to Mars, inc that
you'll never be able to build a life-size M&M sculpture of your horse
without them
52. Start a religon, call it "Denali-ism" Religious rites consist
mainly of eating
53. Install a call-button in her stall
54. Assign your class to make her Get-Well cards
55. Learn acu-preassure
56. Market her as "extraneous finger removal" service for children
57. Learn to sleep standing up. Take naps together.
58. Post her profile on Match.com
59. Make balloon-animal-esque hay sculptures.
60. Wine tasting
61. Meditate on the nature of time
62. Brush her teeth
63. Threaten to enter the stable dog in showmanship-in-hand if she
doesn't get well
64. Play catch
65. Body paint zebra stripes
66. Set up a TV and turn it to the Farm Network for her
67. Use the stall window bars as a loom. Weave new stable blankets
68. Make her a really big friendship bracelet
69. Make her a calendar and let her X the days as they go by
70. Take really crappy pictures of her and market her on Craigslist
for "stud service" count how many self-righteous emails you get
71.Drinking games
72. Edible flower arrangement
73. Distance-learning classes. Get her GED
74. Launch a campaign to get her (non)story covered on the local news
75. Pen a series of haikus with her: "Day 5 of my jail/How I long to
see my friends/so I can bite them"
76. Cut Ralph Lauren logos off old clothes and sew them to her polo wraps
77. Get her a pet. Birds would be nice.
78. Compose emo songs together
79. Paint a mural on her stall walls (easier to beg forgiveness than
ask permission vis-a-vis property owners on this one)
80. Tether ball
81. Pull her shoes. Become a fanatical devotee of Barefoot Horses.
When she returns to work, put shoes back on and disavow any knowledge
of your previous beliefs
82. Teach her poker, lose your money to her in new ways
83. Translate her wall-kicking into morse code, discover hidden messages
84. Drag in a kiddie pool. Splash together
85. Unicorn-horn ring toss
86. Sand/bedding castles
87. Water bucket bobbing for apples
88. Start a punk band with Denali on drums
89. Request autographs from B list movie stars. Hang in her stall
90. Send post cards from her to your friends' laid-up horses
91. Put on a puppet-nonnie show
92. Books on tape. Maybe Agatha Christie?
93. Costume Party
94. Next vet visit, explain that you bought your own ultrasound
machine. Then whip out an etch-a-sketch
95. Whittling. She's a natural!
96. Braid flowers into her mane and play "If You're Going to San
Francisco..." on repeat. Explain to trainer that Denali is now
exploring "enhanced consciousness" due to the reserpine
97. Bake bread, Denali can help with kneading
98. Publish children's books together, start with "How Timmy Learned
Not to Stand Behind the Horse and Other Fun Decapitation Tales"
99. Get her a chemistry set. What could go wrong?
100. Earthquake readiness drills.


and...

101. Smile, this too shall pass.


I will soon post my list of Pros and Cons that I've come up with! I'm having a yard sale this weekend and I'm really busy getting that ready and spending time with the stall bound princess!

10 comments:

Beth said...

Some of those are silly and made me laugh but a lot of them are really good ideas. Clicker training will really work her mind and help her to expend mental energy.

I then you can teach her to paint and sell for medical bills. lol

Having a horse on stall rest would be my worst night mare, good luck. Good healing thoughts going your way.

Laura Maynard said...

That's a great list with some of the practical things mixed in too. Lifting hooves on verbal cue is a handy one ;)

And congrats on the WS position. Don't forget to post pictures!

Rachel said...

Please tell me that Ophie's Mom has a blog. She is fricken hilarious!

I wish for patience for you and Ms. Denali...

Layla said...

hahahaha I thoroughly enjoyed this! I literally had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard...I'm going to add one:
102. Re-enact scenes from Monty Python Movies...let D be a knight of Ni and request a shrubbery

Best of luck

in2paints said...

LMAO!

I wish I had been able to read those when Lilly was on stall rest! Too funny!

Andrea said...

Oh my god I LOL'd at this like you have no idea, then read it to my roommate and she LOL'd too. Now I shall link to it on my blog because it pertains directly to me too!

Kristen Eleni Shellenbarger said...

That is soooo fricken funny and creative! #98 was my personal favorite! LOL!!!!

Ashley said...

I really was laughing hard at this too! #32 is so funny to me. Mine would totally pin her ears!

Shadow said...

LOL!!! I cracked up when I say "Teach hug-tolerance" or something along those lines. My SSH mare who is on stall rest because of two horrible abscesses has never been affectionate.. Or nice. Hahaha, she would hate me for like if I tried to do any of those to her xD

Jennifer said...

I LOVE the list! You could photoshop her into pictures of famous landmarks and post it on your blog!