Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Future

From the moment that I owned Denali I pictured her living out her days in field behind our future house. I imagined finding her under a tree on a warm spring morning, having slipped away in the night. I pictured myself nearing 50 and that she would have had a long, long life and that I would accept it.

Now I'm terrified that she won't make it until Christmas.

I thought long and hard about writing about how I feel. I can't put into works verbally, I keep breaking down in hysterics.

Denali got her feet done today by the new trimmer. Denali was adorable and was trying to groom her, and was stretching herself out. After the trim I put some standing wraps on her hind legs because she had stocked up overnight, and went to run some errands.

I came back and decided to work her a little to try and work out some of the swelling.

Denali fell, several, several times. It was the most heartbreaking thing ever. My trainer thought it was because her feet were sore, and she was stepping on rocks and couldn't compensate due to lack of muscles.

I don't think so. In my gut I know something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. I tried to call out both of our vets, but I couldn't get a hold of either of them. It's not an emergency, emergency so I didn't want someone else to come out.


My husband and I had the hard conversation tonight, I also had it with my trainer. For now I can hope that I can just retire her and that she will be safe and happy. If I can never ride her again, it would break my heart, but I would still have her big old neck to wrap my arms around. Not having it will kill me.

Prayers welcome.

(At first I turned off comments, then I realized that 99.9% of you are normal, sane human beings who will not kick a girl when she is down....they are being moderated for the .1% of you who are not nice. I can't deal with mean people right now. )

24 comments:

Amanda said...

I really hope they can figure out what is going on with her, and that they can fix it for you. My heart is breaking for you. I will put both of you in my prayers. And to the .1% if people who say mean stuff... they dont know the love of a horse. It is a companionship like no other. It may be hard, but you cant let the mean people get you down. They are only being mean to you because they have meaningless lives and need to make themselves feel better!

HUGS!

Mare said...

I'm so sorry! This has to be so hard...Sending good, happy thoughts your way! Fingers crossed and prayers sent, as well!

Kate said...

Something is wrong, but you're doing everything you can to figure it out, and she's not suffering, so hang in there and time will tell.

Sending good thoughts to both of you.

Mrs Mom said...

Having been in situations similar over the years, the only thing I can offer is to listen to Denali. She will tell you when it is time, and when she has had enough.

Prayers are with you both, and have been. Know you will both be thought of often in our little corner of the world.

Ashley said...

oh sweet girl my heart aches for you. Times like this are so hard but it isn't the end. It could be something that has a fix and she will be good as new. Try to keep hope and keep your head high, I know it is hard.

My prayers are definitely with you and especially Denali.

WishIHadAHorsey said...

Oh sweet friend (that is how I think of you). I am sorry for this and my heart hurts for you. Your love for Denali will get you through whatever the future brings. Prayers for you, your husband and Denali. Lots of hugs too.

Miles On Miles said...

Glad you opened comments-I felt so bad for you when I read this last night.

I'm so, so sorry. Try not to worry too much until you know for sure what's up.

Hugs and strength to you and your sweet Denali...

Marissa said...

It must be so scary and heart-breaking to see that something is wrong but not know what it is. You're doing everything right though, and getting to the bottom of it. Your mare is lucky to have a mom like you. My prayers are with you.

Janine said...

Oh, I am so sorry something is wrong. Do any of your vets have any idea why she keeps falling? Is there any thoughts of EPM? My prayers are so with you both and I hope Denali has the strengh to heal for what ever your future together holds? I agree that neck hugging is also great to hold on to, if you cannot ride later? Lots of Love!

Jen said...

Prayers going your way for you and Denali. Hoepfully everything works out

- Jen and Dollar
quarterhorsedressage.blogspot.com

Muddy K said...

I think you know how I feel about you and Denali. I treasure the lock of her hair that you gave me. All I can say right now is that you are the journey that Denali was meant to take and also her destination. You know your mare and you know how to care for her. You've done it right all along, no matter what, and that's what you'll keep doing. You are the tree in that beautiful photo, strong enough to shelter and protect her. I'm carrying both of you in my thoughts, wishing I could do more.

frizzlesworld said...

I'm sending prayers your way. I lost two of my rats recently within a week of each other...I hope and I pray Denali's problem is treatable, whatever that may be. Try to stay positive, and think happy thoughts around her. It'll help some.
I'm not going to apologize, she isn't dead yet! Positive thoughts!

Dee said...

I hope that a reason is found for this that is fixable.
Having had the hard conversation with your husband and trainer shows the strength that you have and that you have your horses best interests at heart.
Good luck for getting a diagnosis that is fixable, and I wish you strength and good luck.

Anonymous said...

I really really hope that you can find out what's wrong, I'm hoping that everything is alright. Don't underestimate the therapy of burying your face in a horse's neck and smelling that wonderful horse smell. It will make you feel at least 0.01% better.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your girl.

Kristen Eleni Shellenbarger said...

I hate that you are going through this..it's unfair. I hope they find out the cause and reason and can find a solution that is positive.
You ARE doing what you can. Denali is right now, a happy girl, and honestly, if it wasn't for you adopting her, she wouldn't be this happy. I will be sending good thoughts of a long future together...and no one can time the time away from you to decide what choices you have are. xoxo

Laura M. said...

I hate it when the gut starts feeling "off" about our critters. It's the worst feeling ever! I'm sending lots of hugs and jingles that answers will come very very soon.

Tami said...

Hi.... I am new to your blog as I am new to the horse world. I own my first horse at the age 42. My kids are older and now my Bella is my baby. Since I read your blog earlier this week I have thought about you and Denali often. My thoughts and prayers are with you.....I cant beleive anyone could have anything mean to say. Shame on them they are nasty people because their own lives are have no meaning and they will never know the love or joy a horse can bring to 1's life ..... My thought are with you both...

in2paints said...

It's definitely going to be the most scary until you have diagnosis and know what's wrong. Try to stay as positive as you can (I'm sure that's difficult when you see what you saw) at least until you have a diagnosis. Hopefully she can be treated and live a long, happy life.

You're doing the very best you can for her. Hugs and prayers from me and Lilly!

Andrea said...

You know, I had my "faller" when I was a teenager, a gelding who had supposedly been treated and made a full recovery from EPM, and then was given to me for free. He NEVER was right after the EPM - he did somersaults ALL the time. We made the decision to retire him after three years of one too many tumbles with me on him (and me not really knowing any better!), and he lived out in a field in a giant herd of 50. He was THE happiest guy on earth, even if he did do things like canter down a hill, fall and somersault, and stand up and keep running. Bless his heart, he never seriously hurt himself. He died of a totally unrelated colic not long after we retired him.
Sometimes they're just never the same after EPM. Sometimes it's something more. Either way, you're doing everything right by your girl and you'll make the right decision for her when the time comes, whatever it is. We're rooting for you guys! And if somebody comes along to make a mean comment.... I will kick them in the balls. Hang in there, we're here for you if you need us!

Nicku said...

My heart breaks for you and your sweet girl. Waiting is so so so freakin hard. I hope this weekend has brought with it better news. Try not to keep the bad thoughts out for now until you know for sure. Definitely praying for you! God knows exactly how this will all turn out and promises that regardless of the outcome, good WILL come of it. Lots of love.

Marguerite said...

Keep pushing until you get the answers you need. Only you know what is best for Denali. My beautiful horse, Kid, was developing behavior problems we couldn't fix. I was going to call the vet to do blood tests on a Monday morning but the Saturday before he had a HYPP attack. He is on daily medicine and while he will never be cured, I am able to ride him. Go with your gut. You have been a great horsey mom and Denali is lucky to be loved by you.

WishIHadAHorsey said...

Still thinking about you and Denali. Prayers and good thoughts your way.

starrynights said...

Having just been through the horrible ordeal of diagnosing and treating a neurological horse, I can understand completely the fear, worry and pain you are going through. They told me to put my mare down, but I listened to my gut and persevered and my mare ended up making a full recovery. So no matter how bad it looks, don't be afraid to be your horse's advocate! If you need to talk you can email me at starrynights@netscape.com. I hope you get a diagnosis soon. (I never got an official one with my mare. Just diagnosis by treatment for EPM...)

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Good for you moderating the comments. I hope noone was as mean to you as they have been to me on my blog. Some people can be so insensitive, all under the guise of being helpful. All they're really doing is just showing off, when they really have no idea what it is like to live in your shoes or live your life. It's so frustrating!

I feel for you, though, and I hope things work out with Denali. I'm praying for a miracle.

~Lisa