From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a horse," or, "that's a lot of money for just a horse".
They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a horse." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a horse".
Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a horse," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a horse", and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a horse" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you too, think its "just a horse", then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend", "just a sunrise", or "just a promise".
"Just a horse" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a horse" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a horse" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly into the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a horse" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a horse" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a horse" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a woman".
Denali's mom back in... sorry for all my random posts. I haven't told many of my friends that I'm putting Denali down. I need a place to ramble, and why not... I decided to keep it to myself for multiple reasons. I don't want people to give me their opinions. I don't want to be told I'm a horrible person, that I should try this or try that, or people to tell me that it's "just a horse." Denali is not just a horse. She is my life, my love. She keeps my sanity in check. When the whole world is against me, I have her. I will make an announcement after. There will never be another one like her.
She asked me to save her on that hot July day at the auction. I still wish there was a way for me to save her on this cold November evening. I THINK I'm at peace with this decision, but it's still so F@cking hard and feels so unfair. When I got Denali I was battling depression, it was a fierce battle, and at times I felt I was loosing. Denali changed that, without a doubt I can say that she saved me from myself. She gave me a reason to live (in addition to my husband.) When the world was against me, if I had the worst day, I could go to the barn and all the pain would fade away. If I tried calling my friends, and no one would answer, I knew that she'd be waiting for me at the gate.
I came across a website tonight. It has really good resources for someone going through the grieving process. I thought I'd post it here in case anyone who reads this needs support someday.
We dropped Denali off at the vet a little over a week ago. I noticed that I had marked on our calendar for November 27, "Denali comes Home :) :) :)" I crossed it off, and tried to not think of it, but I can't wait for November to be over so that I can tear the November page off the calendar and forget it ever happened. I never imagined that Denali wouldn't come home from the vet. It never crossed my mind.
Enough rambling. I know I have videos of Denali posted on this blog. Instead of rambling I'm going to attempt to go find them...