Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hardest Part

This has to be the worst week in my entire life.

Entire.

I thought I would enjoy the time spent with her, loving on her, grooming her. I do, don't get me wrong, but it also breaks my heart knowing what is coming. I can't stop crying, and I haven't told a lot of people. I can't listen to their opinions. Now that's a trot left this quote, and I need to keep reminding myself, "Better when it's hard for us than hard for them." That has helped me a lot (I already am crying all the time so I am saving the video for later.) It still breaks my heart that she is so happy right now. She can't move without almost falling over, but she's happy doing it.

My husband and I talked again about the "what if's" but it keeps coming back to the only way she would be safe is if she is in her stall all the time. I can't do that to her. I love her way to much to do that to her.

I went and bought her one of each type of apple to see if she has a preference. Nope, she loved them all (well at least the ones I fed her. I didn't want her to cholic and suffer.)

Tonight was a friend's surprise party, so a few weeks ago her husband asked me to keep her busy. So, being a good person, aside from the massive brusing, and internal heartbreak, I kept up with my promise. She is from up north, so I took her to the tack shop that is farther south.

Like an idiot, I picked up the expensive snacks I never bought for Denali (because I can make them myself for 1/4 the price) and while checking them out I burst into tears and stood there in my too tight yoga pants, and slightly shrunken hoodie bawling. I didn't even explain, I just walked out and waited for my friend. Poor girl. I hope she had a good party. I couldn't go and be a party pooper.

I love you Nawlers.

I asked my husband to finalize the plans. I can't do it and I know I will keep putting it off.

3 comments:

Miles On Miles said...

Oh, dear sweet girl. I understand what you're saying. You *want* to enjoy the time you have left, but knowing what is coming, what you have to do, and so soon...it's so, so hard. Going to the barn and grooming and loving on her is so, so, SO different once you have made the heartbreaking decision to put her down.

You don't have to be strong right now...just feel what you need to feel. Do what you want to do and don't do anything you can't handle.

On some level, Miss Slew knows how much (how incredibly much) you've done for her. Take care, sweetie~

Chelsea said...

I'm so sorry, and I know its impossible to let them go, but you're doing the right thing. I just lost one of my all time favorite horses from similar symptoms as Denali's. Its frightening how similar their stories are.. he was diagnosed with Narcolepsy along with an "unknown" seizure disorder and tons of neurological issues that the vets couldn't pinpoint. He was also a Bay OTTB. I'm sure they'll meet in horsey heaven. <3

Mare said...

I'm crying inside reading this. I completely understand how you feel. You want to be happy spoiling her and loving her, but you can't completely because you know what's going to happen... It's an impossible choice, but somehow we all have to come to make it...I'm so incredibly sorry. I don't even know how to express it...

Many happy thoughts your way!