Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Warm Mash on a Cold Day

My husband.

My poor husband. I know I'm driving him crazy. For a week I was unable to get out of bed and make it to the couch because I was physically unable to do to my bruised kidney/ribs/everywhere.

For the past week he has had to remind me to eat something, shower, etc. He's offered to go for walks, he's made all the preparations for Friday on his own. This morning I heard him outside on the phone with the vet, he wanted to make sure that everything was set for Friday and that we would be able to be out of there before the truck comes. He's called the truck and re-confirmed pick up time. He's done everything and for that I love him even more.

The roads are a little better in the Seattle area today. School was still cancelled, but my husband offered to drive me out to see Denali since we haven't been out since Sunday. He boiled water and put it in the thermos and we were off. We grabbed our mail. Denali's new dressage boots are here. Great....her smarktpak will be here next week. I cancelled it too late.

I explained to my husband that I wanted to give Denali a warm bran mash, but didn't want to stop at the barn before we went out to the Vet's barn. I didn't want to see anyone. He offered to stop at the tack store to pick up some bran mash, and even offered to go get it for me. (This from a man who is not a horse person, remember he's a huggle -like a muggle, non-horsey person.) I told him I'd be fine and I wanted to go into the store and pick it out for her.

I did fine.

And then I turned around and saw the Cherry Lik-its.

I lost it. I went from fine to bawling uncontrollably in .2 seconds. I just walked out in the middle of checking out. I left my credit card, my mash, and my husband. Luckily my hubby explained to the nice woman why I was acting like a crazy woman.

We continued the 30 minutes to the vets barn (it's a little over an hour from our house.) It was so quiet and so peaceful we were the only ones there. I started walking in the barn, and yelled out Denali's name before I could even see her. Right on que she started nickering like crazy.

I'm going to really miss that. She has the best nicker I've ever heard.

We fed her some treats, she still doesn't like sugar cubes! I went about making her a warm bran mash, which she was VERY excited about. She licked the entire container clean. Not a spot anywhere.

I went to give her a big hug, and it bothered her. Her neck must be sore because I wrapped my arms around her and she didn't seem to like it. She usually will let me bury my head into he neck and stand there for as long as I want. Her neck was sore when the vet checked it out a few weeks ago too, I don't know what EPM does to the neck, or why it would hurt. I didn't even think about giving her bute. How bad is that? I feel really guilty about not giving her bute. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll remember to bring out some bute.

My husband and I picked up most of her stuff because I know that Friday, Friday I won't be able to do anything.

We gave her some more love, lots of treats and left.

Her hind legs look wonky, swollen in weird spots and weak. I think that weak would be the best way to describe it. My husband and I talked about it and we might not let her run around. I don't think she'll make it 2 steps without falling. Who knows, I'm just going to listen to my heart the crack of dawn on Friday.

We stopped by my barn on the way home because while driving I developed this overwhelming desire to have my things at home. I honestly don't know where it's going to go. I don't think I can part with any of it. Not now. Not the things she used. My trainer was about to give a lesson to one of the little girls who leases. I couldn't form sentences to talk to anyone. I talked to the horses. I took my tack locker and Denali's buckets. I took her red treat ball that she loves more than anything. I loved watching her play with it.


I'm not even through with this process, but I already have advice if you ever need to lose your best friend. Don't wait a week between deciding and going through with it if you don't have to.

*edit* The weather might take a turn for the worst, again. That would mean that letting Denali go might need to be postponed. If that happens....I don't know if I can stay strong much longer.


Sydney_bitless said...

I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I bet you could use a million right now.

achieve1dream said...

I'm glad she still has an appetite and good spirits even as miserable as she must be. It would be awful if your last moments together were ones where she wasn't aware of you or anyone. When I lost my first pony to colic as a kid that's how he was. He didn't want anything to do with us.

I'm sorry you are miserable. I hope my virtual hugs and not very elegant words of support are of some help to you. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Sending hugs and good thoughts. It's indescribably hard, but remember that you are doing something that requires you to be strong and brave - she needs you to do that for her. I've been there myself, and will be thinking of you often.

in2paints said...

Throughout this whole thing, that's the one thing that has me feeling the most sad for you and Denali... knowing that you've known for a week now that you're going to have to let your sweet baby go. There's too much time for you to second guess yourself and wonder if you're doing the right thing.

Please know that you are, and what you're doing for Denali is the best thing you can do for her.

Hugs and prayers for you and Denali.

Now That's A Trot! said...

*hug* I am so sorry... Glad you have your hubby there to lean on and help you take care of things.

About the SmartPaks -- if you call them up and explain (or have hubby do it) they are usually pretty understanding and should refund you. :[

Hang in there! ♥♥♥

WishIHadAHorsey said...

Hugs, I wish I could do more for you...

Mare said...

BIG HUG! You're doing the right thing...

Marissa said...

I'm with Sydney, wish I could be there to give you a hug right now. Sounds like your husband is being amazing though, which I'm happy to hear. Just hang in there, as Kate said, Denali needs you to be strong and brave for her. Your in my thoughts this week.

Shannon said...

My heart breaks for you. Know that many people will be there with you on the day. I have no words of wisdom or advice, even having been through the same thing, knowing you are doing what is right for her is the only peace there might be. But one day, in some near or far future, Denali will speak to you, and lead the way to another soul who needs you as much as she did.

Frizzle said...

I agree about the Smartpaks, they really are a great company filled with horse people who understand what you're going through. When Mac passed away, I canceled my automatic Smartpak shipment; they ask you for a reason, and I typed in that my horse had passed away. They sent a really nice condolence card shortly after.